Apple patent dying, cure mortality at a stroke

Funny story written by IainB

Monday, 9 January 2012

image for Apple patent dying, cure mortality at a stroke
Death, waiting for the outcome of the bidding war has gone for a round of golf instead

Computer megalomaniacs, Apple, have produced their broadest and boldest patent to date by patenting dying. With exorbitant licence fees for anybody dying more and more people are putting off their deaths until they have saved up enough to pay the fee.

"I have a terminal disease," said Mark Durty. "The doctors said I should have died last Thursday. However, I've not got enough money for the licence fee, so I've had to start saving up."

Apple Patent Manager, Mark Exclamation, has defended the patenting of death.

"We noticed that nobody was profiting from death," said Exclamation. "It was an area ripe for us to exploit. I mean, profit from. I mean, investigate."

The patent was originally too broad forcing Apple to specify means of death.

"We have been as comprehensive as we could be," said Exclamation. "We covered murder, accidental death and natural causes."

Dyinass, the assisted suicide organisation have prevented Apple from patenting suicide.

"We already held the patent on suicide," said Mark Question of Dyinass. "Apple tried to buy it from us, but we feel that we are better placed to deal with suicide than an electronics organisation."

This loophole in the patent laws allows people like Durty a way out.

"I have contacted Dyinass," said Durty. "and their licence fees for dying are much lower than Apple's. I think I will be using their services instead."

With Dyinass undercutting Apple, many of the dying are opting for the Swiss firm instead. Apple are considering lowering their licence fees in a bidding war.

"A bidding war can only be good for the consumer," said Mark Rea of the UK Government's death watchdog, OfDead. "We fully expect the dying to be able to choose which death they want, and pay a reasonable price for it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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