Written by Rebel Not Taken

Thursday, 23 June 2011

image for Andre Villas-Boas has secret sex dossier on Chelsea footballers.
Chelsea footballer's sex dossier

A secret dossier revealing intimate sexual details about Chelsea footballers has been found on a park bench in West London.

The 69 page document, containing measurements and diagrams, was compiled over several years by new Chelsea Manager Andre Villas-Boas. Mr Boas had created the dossier while working under Jose Mourinho.

Mr Mourinho, who has described Villas-Boas as "my eyes and my ears", employed the Portuguese scout, who as a 21 year old had been Technical Director of Football for the British Virgin Islands, to travel incognito and assess the mental and physical state of opponents.

Chelsea Spokesman Ray Wilkins has told Sky News that the prized dossier was instrumental in Billionaire owner Roman Abramovich appointing Villas-Boas as his new manager:

"Jose and Andre know the Chelsea lads inside out. Years of meticulous research went into the dossier. It clearly identifies who are the top men and who are the bottom men".

The dossier was found by van driver Wally Nonce who lives on the nearby Crabtree Estate. He told a reporter: "I was having a fag on the bench. It was just lying there".

Roman Abramovich will be desperate to stop the dossier getting into the wrong hands.

Arsenal, who are themselves keen to make headway in Europe, would certainly be interested in buying the dossier.

Jose Mourinho had accused Arsene Wenger of being "a voyeur" after a touchline spat several years ago. It is now obvious that the Frenchman knew about the contents of the dossier and continually pestered Jose Mourinho to let him have a "good butchers at it".

Andre Villas-Boas is also suspected of having put together personalized DVD's analysing the players best positions and their physical stats. Several of these DVD's were also left on the park bench in West London.

Lifelong Fulham fan Wally Nonce, who found the dossier and DVD's, told a Chelsea Pensioner in the pub:

"The Russian and his foreign nancy boys can go fuck themselves. I have been on the dog and bone with an Egyptian who works for Mr Fayed. He told me there will be a nice little 'envelope' waiting for me if i leave the dossier under the Michael Jackson statue at Craven Cottage".

Wally, who operates from a stall down the North End Road, also boasted to a regular punter in the pie mash shop: "I have burnt a few of the Portuguese DVD's and am outing them at £9-95".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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