Tiger Woods Tweets: "I Can't get It Up and Down Anymore!"

Funny story written by Morse

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

image for Tiger Woods Tweets: "I Can't get It Up and Down Anymore!"
Tiger Announces He's Turning to Piracy to Maintain Lifestyle!

The golf world was in shock today as the latest Tweet from Tiger Woods seems to indicate his days as the World's most feared golfer are over!

Tweeting from his River to Ocean palatial compound in South Florida, a morose Tiger admitted his skills were 'gone...just gone!" after carding a 40 something on the opening '9' at last week's TPC Sawgrass tournament where 44 year old David Toms was in contention until his putter failed him on the first playoff hole causing him to lose to the ever inscrutable and fitness maniac K.J. Choi who happens to be from South Korea.

Tiger was not around, after withdrawing after 9 holes claiming 'joint pain' reportedly after banging his knee attempting to climb out of a dumpster behind an all night pancake house after an 'intervention' with a waitress.

There are no reports that Woods was involved in a threesome with Irish golfer Graeme McDowell, who appeared 'under the weather, and flat as a pancake' after carding a 79 on the final round dropping out of sight after holding the lead. Graeme claimed 'it was something I et, I can't seem to get used to this Colonial Food...and the Whiskey is shite too!"

At 36 and after 4 operations on his 'joint', golf historians are saying 'that's all she wrote' for the disgraced golfer with the great swing, former devotion to the game, and an addiction
to threesomes on a California King Bed.

Insiders involved in Woods' multi-million dollar media and marketing company say that Woods has changed his mind about selling his $20M dollar yacht "Privacy" he bought as a wedding gift for now departed wife Erin Nordegren. According to Yacht Brokers who should know, Woods thought about putting it on the market for $25m, but changed his mind after being told the market for luxury floating bordellos had 'tanked' and the 'bottom had fallen out."

Woods' latest scheme , although not picked up by the mainstream media, seems to be taking a macabre twist. Spy photos have revealed a local Stuart,Fl Marina has changed the name of the yacht to "Piracy" and is outfitting it with several short range missiles and a bevy of 20mm cannons.

It appears likely that Tiger will be taking to the seas soon as a Pirate in hopes of regaining his fortune raping, pillaging and plundering. Reports persist that he has hired on an all female Somali crew and not even Cruise Ships sailing from Ft. Lauderdale will be safe from attacks.

Registration for the ship has also been changed to Pattaya, Thailand, and will be flying a Black Flag with a Monkey's Head over crossed bones.

A spokesman for Woods says the former golfer is still looking for a cannibal cook, but may have to go to Russia to get one who knows how to prepare a good roast butt.

The PGA was appalled when it heard the news saying it would now approve membership for transgender golfers, formerly 'plumbed' as women ,to regain viewers.

This follows the LPGA which recently approved ' Gay Larry', now playing as "Pompey Lil " to compete on its tour.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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