A local man, whose identity can not be revealed even though the lying, fornicating Bastard was proven GUILTY beyond doubt in a Court of Law, claims he is the victim of a miscarriage of justice involving a confluence of fraudulent events, identify theft, a bait and switch scam and his long suffering wife's addiction to eBay!
The man, who agreed to appear in shadow with his voice altered, and wearing a floppy hat to hide his very distinguishable features, (he's well known to the public following futbol on Sky Sports radio) said he was innocent of the horrific charges.
According to the written brief presented to the court, the man did nowt after a Gazebo his wife brought home, and he erected after a frightful row, suddenly collapsed in his back yard and couldn't get up.
The prosector in the case, Sir Dempsey Dumpster, III, accused the defendant of being a 'heartless uncaring bastard', who upon seeing the condition of the hapless fixture, did nothing to assuage the damage, nor did he comfort it, or even prop it up at a decent angle, before it finally expired!
The charges drew a GASP of horror and indignation from the assembled onlookers, even from the most hardened job shy from the neighbourhood.
The defendant was shouted down with cries of 'SHAME", "KNOBHEAD" and even worse when he tried to defend himself in court.
"It's like this," he said later over a pint sitting alone in a pub 60 miles from his home due to the disgrace, "me wife got the damn thing as a bonus for signing up for a Time Share vacation on Tenerife. The fooking Irish plane ran low on fuel, and they put us off in the Hebrides, from where we had to find our own way home, luckily a passing Pirate Captain picked us up and I paid for our passage by serving as the ship's cook while my wife was forced into duty as the Wednesday night entertainment. She's a good singer you know.
The Captain especially liked her Pearl Bailey, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holliday, and Keelie Smith songs. I think the orlop accompanied her on a washboard, Percival was on Bass, and the Preacher had this little squeeze box. It was a happy crew, I'll give 'em that!"
"Anyway, that Gazebo....only came with 1/2 the stainless screws and was missing one leg.
Supposed to be rare Bamboo harvested in Pattaya and easy to assemble as a piece of Ikea...piece of shite it was, more like!"
"Well, I got it sorta erected, propped up on three legs and tied down with some Christmas ribbon and it lasted about 3 weeks. Horde of GYPSIES descended and stripped all the screws out, stole the screening to filter their home brew, and even stole the cooper wire I was using to jump start the old 220D Mercedes I picked up on the dock from a bloke who said it fallen off a car carrier in Amsterdam and could never be traced!"
"Wot's a man to do! The lord knows I tried! The directions were gone and the Gazebo Company in Thailand was long gone and left no forwarding address with the customer call center in India. It was HOPELESS. It wouldn't fit into an approved wheelie bin, I couldn't get a burn permit, and me car was dead so I couldn't take it to Yorkshire and dump the bastard on the side of the road!"
"And now it's come to this! Me wife's run off with the bass player from the Pirate ship, I can't show me face in my own home, and now I'm told I'm being brought up on charges from Brussels, where I'm expected to appear next Tuesday to state me case, or suffer a summary judgement!"
When last seen the man was seen trudging toward Southampton trailing a wheeled suitcase
and carrying a sign saying: "Will Work' Below Decks" for Food and Lodging!"
More as this tragedy unfolds.