Sir Alex Ferguson has rubbished all reports that he will retire next year and has vowed only to leave Old Trafford in a "Black Box" and even then he will come back and haunt the place.
Hopeful inheritors to his throne, Jose "The Chosen One" Mourinho and David Moyes were last seen on a pub crawl in Milan and Liverpool pissed out of their brains.
Sir Alex also threatened the Press and the BBC that if they dare mention his retirement once more he will run for the position of UK Prime Minister ( better than anything else on offer) jockey a winning horse in next years Grand National and flog Berbatov to AC MILAN (good riddance!).
Actually, there have been strange building works going on at Old Trafford recently, a huge pyramid is being built and the rumour is that Sir Alex will be embalmed, mummified and buried there alongside Duncan Edwards and Bobby Charlton (he's actually already dead what you see on telly wearing a fur hat is a stuffed relpica!) and the only Man U Mon Dieu, Eric.
So Man Utd fans everywhere (apart from Manchester) you've all been warned, Sir Alex is staying, please send your notice of suicide to Jose, he needs some support!