Tiger Woods Scores 71 at Masters

Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 8 April 2010

image for Tiger Woods Scores 71 at Masters
Ms. Gertrude Bennington, ready to engage in a warm up round.

Following alleged reports of a sexual tryst with the young daughter of a Florida neighbor, and trying to dispel rumors that he has shifted his tastes to much younger women, Tiger Woods reportedly notched a win with Ms. Gertrude Bennington, 71, of Augusta, Georgia earlier today.

Cornering the former Miss Georgia (1956) near the men's dressing area, Woods reportedly convinced Ms. Bennington, now a benefactor of the private golf club, to give up her favors for a signature on her Playtex 18 Hour brassiere and a promise to make a guest appearance up at her next bridge club party. Woods finished playing the sub-par course, toughing out the bushy heather on 18, in time for his tee off that afternoon.

Reporters who had been hounding Woods all week, were quick to approach Ms. Bennington for a description of her pre-tournament festivities, though she held up her ample and powdered end of the bargain by suggesting that Tiger did indeed enjoy older, more mature women. "He's simply not interested in immature girls, I assure you", said Bennington.

In a late morning interview, head grounds keeper, Karl Spackler, sympathized with Woods press predicament, understood the need to release some tension and then offered his comments regarding Ms. Bennington. "She's pretty lean and bouncy, for an old gal anyway. She's a hot little cougar, that Bennington".

Bennington could be seen all day in the gallery with her blouse open a few extra buttons down from the collar. Woods signature could clearly be seen written down the left cup. Spotted in the crowd and asked follow up questions by the press, Ms. Bennington only replied, "Tiger can lift and separate me anytime". Indeed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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