The bad boys of English soccer, John Terry and Ashley Cole have been joined at the new home of Susan Boyle by Tiger "serial deceiver" Woods.
The singer was asked by her management to take him under her wings as they had heard of the progress with the nasty, nasty soccer boys.
It is reported that Tiger arrived in his private helicopter and brought with him, his sex therapist, a truck load of real, down home US vittles, various lackeys to serve and chase after him and his favourite personal massage duck. Subo sent the whole kit and caboodle away and blasted Tiger.
"Nane of that foolhardy behaviour noo Tiger, you're no special here, you're a filthy, ungrateful letch and you don't get no gold stars for that"
The Tiger joined Woods, Terry and Cole in her cosy lounge, surrounded by framed pictures of UK tabloid headlines enhanced with her autograph and the words, "What a load of crap"
"I'll take no nonsense" she said, "these two know the rules, Tiger get on the message, nae two faced, arrogant nonsense here".
"Now boys" she smiled "It will be £1000 each per night Now who can I get now, wi plenty o' money and nae commonsense, oooh get me David Beckham's number quick. Ach yes wee Mark Owen from Take That has been a naughty boy, plenty of room for the numpty here !"
No bad for a wee wifey with learning difficulties!