Pennsylvania Reporter Arrested For Trying To "Cop A Feel" of Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Thursday, 25 February 2010

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He's lucky she didn't kick him with her sharpened skating blades and castrate him.

Swedish Olympian Ivana Phuque was leaving the medal podium, after winning a Gold in women's figure skating, and heading down a crowded hall when she felt someone grab her breasts. The Vancouver Winter Games athlete quickly spun around to see who it was and stared into the face of a reporter with American press credentials. She recognized him as a man who had earlier made lude statements towards her.

The blonde beauty quickly allerted security and Jim Seanachie of the Snotburg, Pennsylvania Gazette was arrested for sexually assaulting the athlete.

In the press area, Ivana said that "the man approached me earlier and asked me very, very nasty questions. He wanted to know if I was going to perform my jumps and spins without wearring any panties. He wanted to know if performing on the cold ice helped to make my nipples so hard. He wanted to know if it hurt my back because I perform without a bra. He wanted me to lift my skirt so that he could take pictures of my vagina that were in better focus because I wasn't moving so fast."

"This man, Jim Seanachie, is a pervert. Unfortunately, he is ugly. If he was a handsome pervert, I would screw his brains out. Those questions would turn me on from a good looking man. From someone like him, it was not so nice."

When a much more handsome reporter arose and asked her the same questions, she threw him her room key and said "10:00 p.m., and you bring wine and roses or no lucky day for you."

In his holding cell in a Vancouver police station, Jim Seanachie only had these words to say: "Firm? Oh, yes, they were firm. I only grabbed for a few seconds, but I can tell you that there is no sagging to those puppies."

When asked about the accusations made against him, he continued talking about Ivana. "Maybe I should have tried to grab her ass too...."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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