"Balls, Balls, & Pucks"

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

image for "Balls, Balls, & Pucks"
Wes Helms, (#18) First Baseman for the soon-to-be Shanghai Stir-Fried Marlins (photo courtesy of Shania Twain)

PARAMUS, New Jersey - The bad state of the United States economy is causing many companies and corporations to relocate overseas. Even the world of sports has now been affected. The weekly sports publication 'Balls, Balls, & Pucks' is reporting that by 2010, a total of ten American teams are going to be moving to places such as the United Kingdom, Asia, Mexico, Africa, and Europe.

Three of the teams are National Football League teams. The Buffalo Bills will be moving to Wolverhampton, England and play as The Wolverhampton Wills. The San Francisco 49'ers are moving to London and will play under the name The London Bridgers. And the third NFL team The Minnesota Vikings will move to Oslo, Norway and will become The Norway Vikings.*

The baseball Florida Marlins are relocating to China and will become the Shanghai Stir-Fried Marlins. Stuart Sternberg majority owner of The Tampa Bay Devil Rays will be moving his team to Helensburgh, Scotland where there new name will be The Helensburgh Hell Heathens.

The NBA's Charlotte Bobcats will soon become The Glasgow Robertcats and the other NBA team that is moving The New Orleans Hornets will move to Australia and become The New Norfolk Folks. One note on the Hornets move to Australia is that 6 foot 10 star Peja Stojakovic, number 16, has said that when the Hornets move to Australia that he is not going. Stojakovic said that the distance that he travels from his home in Serbia to New Orleans is 5,730 miles, but once the Hornets move to Australia the mileage would go up to 8,519, or an increase of 2,789 miles.

The hockey teams that are leaving the United States are the New York Islanders who are bound for Indonesia where they will become The Indonesia Island Islanders and The Nashville Predators who will relocate to Hukuntsi, Botswana and become The Kalahari Desert Sand Fleas. ESPN is reporting that the Desert Sand Fleas will be playing in a brand new $793 million dollar arena which they have just named 'The Ben & Jerry Ice Cream Ice Hockey Rink.'

The NHL Phoenix Coyotes are moving to Chihuahua, Mexico where they will play as The Chihuahua Chihuahuas. Timmy Torres the owner of the Chihuahua team told ESPN that they are really excited about having a hockey team in Mexico and that all of the 400,000 season tickets have already been sold. When Torres was asked if the fact that they would be playing the games on an outdoor ice rink would cause a problem, he replied in Spanish 'No' (No). When reminded that the Chihuahuan summers can see temperatures as high as 124 degrees Torres just said 'No' (No). And when he was asked, "What time is it?" Torres replied 'No' (No). So it is fairly obvious that Torres does not quite yet have command of the English language like Salma Hayek and Paul Rodriguez do.

In other news there is no other news as of right now, October 15, 2008, 2:30 PM (Central Standard Time).

*Which is probably the most appropriate city and team name of all time

(We are not responsible for injuries due to foul balls, eratic slam dunks, flying pucks, or Hail Mary passes)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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