Cristiano Ronaldo Dive Was Cause Of 'Groundsmen Scuffle'

Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 28 April 2008

image for Cristiano Ronaldo Dive Was Cause Of 'Groundsmen Scuffle'
A sign outside Stamford Bridge today

Reports coming out of Stamford Bridge this afternoon suggest that a dive by Manchester United whinger Cristiano Ronaldo long after fans had gone home was the cause of the scuffle between United players and Chelsea groundsmen.

According to Head Groundsman, Alf Abramovich, Ronaldo, who was warming-down, jogged along the touchline and into the penalty area, before theatrically arching his back, crying out in agony, and collapsing in a heap on the turf.

After a couple of rolls, he sat up and, arms outstretched, appealed for a penalty, despite the fact that match referee Alan Wiley was, at that very moment, sat in a traffic jam on his way home on the M25. When the Chelsea groundstaff witnessed this appalling display of gamesmanship, they quickly put their Headhunters heads on, and squared-up to the Reds' players.

The incident has soured what was a good-natured top-of-the-table clash between the two friendly rivals, and both managers have apologised to each other in a bid to repair their longstanding excellent relationship.

Chelsea manager Avram Grant said:

"Our groundstaff are the hardest in the land",

whilst United boss Sir Alex Ferguson quipped:

"Our groundsmen would kick ten barrels' o' shit outta those Southern fairies!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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