Manchester United's Alex Ferguson To Retire Early After FA Cup Final

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 14 May 2007

image for Manchester United's Alex Ferguson To Retire Early After FA Cup Final
Time's catching up with Sir Alex

Sir Alice Ferguson, the Manchester United manager, has dropped an untimely Old Trafford bombshell only days before the FA Cup Final with Chelsea, by announcing that he will retire early after the match at the New Wembley stadium on Saturday.

Ferguson, who has been the United boss for more than 40 years, says the decision, though a difficult one, was one that could not be put off any longer, and that retiring early after such an important and exciting game seems fitting.

The Scot, who doesn't normally retire until after the BBC Ten o'Clock News, is expecting to be well and truly worn out with the exertions of the day, and will probably go to his bed by six or seven o'clock.

United's assistant coach Carlos Queiroz, himself a Portugueezer and therefore more used to sleeping in the afternoons, said:

"Sir Alice is exhausted after a long, gruelling season. Sometimes he has a 'powersleep' at half tiempo, and often snoozes during the second half. He really needs a few early nights."

It's widely accepted that the much-publicised David Beckham "boot in the face" dressing room incident happened whilst the 78-year-old Ferguson was sleepwalking, and United team doctor Harold Shipman has recommended more rest for the manager.

Chief rival and perpetual antagonist, Chelsea boss Jose Moaninho, himself a Siestameister curled his lip as he told reporters:

"He's a dozy old sod. He should have retired years ago!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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