Waterboarding. Do you have what it takes to torture a person but not call it torture by the Geneva Convention and not kill anyone and leave no signs of trauma except mental? Then you too can be a big winner!
Snake Handling and Acid Drinking: hicks from the Southern USA who still think Jesus was real and believe Abe Lincoln was a satanic spy for ISIS and that Hilary Clinton lives in little spores inside their brains are gonna try and not die as they go for the gold!
Kick a Politician in the Crotch: this is expected to be a big favourite, and there’s a strong feeling that no one will really care who wins. Medals for doing this? OK, but the kick itself could be the reward. Of course, it may be difficult to pin down any politician to force them to play (like they forced you to get their needles) so several may need to be duped into “playing” by being “offered” campaign donations in the millions. Every politician can be bought – and kicked in the crotch!
The Triple Threat: singing, dancing, acting – who has IT, and who ain’t got it no more? With the popularity of versions of American Idol playing around the world, singing is big money and loved by millions, but can the singer dance and act their way out of a paper bag at the same time? Extra points go to those who can do the “Triple plus One”!! That is sing, dance, act and shoot a sniper rifle and hit the judge most likely not to vote in your favor.
The Hangover Race: competitors get drunk on whatever they want, stumble around and try to pick up the last girl/guy/other before closing, then wake up with them the next day – and then the competition begins! Will you puke, shit, piss, puke puke puke puke some more? Can you go outside into bright sunlight and not scream for the darkness to return? Will your asshole rebel and fall out of your ass? (Duct tape is cheating; the Russians and Chinese have been warned.) Will you beg for death or give in and take some aspirin (also cheating) or can you suffer through the entire day without losing your cool and last night’s curry to win a medal? (Those nations that ban alcohol … good luck … and, no, hashish and kiff don’t count as alcohol.)
