Major League Baseball Announces New INCLUSIVE Franchise Names

Funny story written by John Long

Saturday, 11 December 2021

Baseball Commissioner Rob – The Clown – Manfred has announced the results of a year long attempt to make baseball more inclusive (boring). To mimic other woke organizations and companies, baseball has decided to strip teams of their historic identities and replace their identity with inclusive names celebrating diversity.

Never one to let well enough alone, Manfred – The Clown, has released the following statement:

“In an historic move, Major League Baseball has firmly shed its history of white supremacy by changing the names of all franchises, making Baseball the most diverse and inclusive sport in all the world…”

The statement goes on… and on…and on… celebrating the ‘courage’ and ‘bravery’ of the naming commission, but it’s far too boring to bother repeating. Suffice it to say that Manfred – the clown – spent far too long blowing his own tarnished horn. The Clown – Commissioner – promises to release all team names by 2091, the same year big pharma promises to release the test data proving that the covid vaccines were properly tested and safe.

Obviously starting with the most offensive names, the clown commissioner of baseball announced the first changes.

“Baseball is proud to announce that, starting immediately… in 2029, the New York Yankees will be forever known as the: Northern Angry Stupid Temperamental Yucky Bigoted Offensive Yuppie Superstars.

"The acronym NASTY BOYS name change alone should quell the angst of the easily offended, although several reporters wondered if just using the word BOYS would offend the easily offended.

"Manfred – The Clown – did not choose to enlighten the sporting media with how the uniform companies would manage to get all of that on a uniform shirt.

"The team formerly known as the Texas Rangers will be renamed in 2031. Their new identity will become: The White Supremacist Abusive Fascist Homophobic Racists Who Come From A Really Bad State.

"Ever one to steal the spotlight for no good reason whatsoever, Al Sharpton released a statement of his own. “Never has it taken so long for a sport steeped in malicious racism to step out of the shadows of bigotry and into the enlightened age of non-offensive naming…” Not that anyone cares what he thinks.

In a Coordinated release, the FBI has announced that anyone not immediately embracing the inclusive move would be added to their domestic terrorist watch list and banned from employment, healthcare, education and shopping for life. Nothing says inclusive like banning anyone who doesn’t engage in group think enacted by idiots…

Public reaction to the new name changes has not been an overwhelming success. Season ticket owners have begun canceling their season seats at a rate one-hundred times the number of new buyers. Rob Manfred – The Clown – responded to questions about the loss of revenue by proclaiming, “anyone daring to end their season ticket ownership is just another white supremacist, who should be arrested, convicted and burned at the stake for denying Baseball our rightful income!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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