LAKE LIBIDO, Kentucky – (Sports Satire) – The Horse of a Different Color Thoroughbred Racing Conglomerate has just announced that their 2-year-old filly, TikTok, has just been named the fastest horse in the United States.
Conglomerate CEO Silus P. Springwater, stated that their horse has won all six races she has entered.
TikTok won the Chattanooga Invitational Futurity by a record-setting 27 lengths, beating the old record set by Delicatessen Delight, which was only 8 lengths.
Springwater says that his horse is so fast that they had a hard time finding a jockey that could actually stay on her for the entire race.
They finally found a jockey from Shanghai, China, named Chang Chang Wang.
Wang spoke with Cinderella St. Lamb, with the Balls News Agency, and said that Tikky is damn fast, and said that she can even outrun AK-47 semi-automatic rifle bullets.
Wang noted that, before each race, he plays a CD of TikTok's favorite hip-hop rapper, Zombie Zulu Yo, so that she can unwind a bit.
When asked about the rumor that he bets on all of the races in which he rides TikTok, he became somewhat nervous.
He quickly regained his composure and divulged that, when he bets, he always uses a fake name, such as Billy Butter, Tommy Tortilla, or Loretta Chow Mein.