Kentucky Derby Officials Say There’s a Way To Still Run This Year’s Race

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 6 May 2020

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This year's Kentucky Derby will be run come rain or shine.

LOUISVILLE – It was a foregone conclusion that this year’s edition of the annual Kentucky Derby horse race would be cancelled due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

But derby racing officials have hit upon a way to actually run the traditional event.

The Kentucky Derby Committee, headed by Vernon “The Gelding” Bushberry, said that they are considering having the race go on as scheduled, but with the horses running without jockeys.

The committee researched having rider-less horses, and they went back to 700 B.C. when horse races were simply that - races between horses.

The committee also noted that spectators will be allowed into the viewing stands, but they will have to sit 12-feet away from each other.

He also wanted to make it perfectly clear that the traditional fancy Southern hats worn by the society ladies will not be allowed.

When asked why, he said that medical experts have determined that the fancy, flamboyant hats adorned with native Southern flowers like magnolias, camellias, azaleas, and powdered grits can carry the C-19 virus.

The committee did state that the traditional Kentucky Derby drink, the Mint Julep, will be sold at the concessions stands, but he did state that cornbread will be banned from the premises.

When asked to explain, head committee member, Vernon Bushberry, said that it was because cornbread has a tendency to attract hummingbirds, parrots, and vultures.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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