UCLA Starts Season 1-2* With An Asterisk

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Sunday, 22 November 2020

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A better-than-usual start for the Bruins

Autzen Stadium, Eugene, Oregon. S. O. S. report from Spoof On Sports. The UCLA Bruins beat themselves with four turnovers, Saturday afternoon, as they fell 38-35 to the highly-ranked Oregon Ducks, in a game the Westwooders could have won. But, having lost, they have opened the season 1-2*, and that asterisk makes the difference in what would normally have been a - well, normal - UCLA 0-3 beginning.

What has saved the Bruins from the ignominy of three consecutive 0-3 season starts, was that Covid-19 test that forced cancellation of last week's game with Utah. Instead of meeting the Utes, the Bruins took on the once-Golden Bears of U C Berkeley, for some time now rather mangy and more tarnished than Golden. UCLA beat the Bears last Sunday instead of losing to Utah on Saturday. So Chip Kelly doesn't have the distinction of being the first UCLA coach in modern history to start three seasons 0-3. Instead, he's 1-2*, with that little asterisk to remind him and everyone else that the Bruin season so far ought to be 0-3.

Next season, things might be looking up. The Bruins first three games are non-conference tussles, all played at home in the Rose Bowl. The opener is against Hawaii, and would normally be considered a 'gimme'. But the next two games are a loss to LSU and a possible loss to Fresno State. Unless the virus catches up with those Louisiana Tigers, and Cal gets substituted again as a fill-in on a Sunday morning. Odds on a fourth consecutive season of 0-3 favor the Bruins, who might squeak by at 1-2 or, could it really happen, 2-1?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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