Football Setback As 2,500 Players Test Positive For Greed

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 18 June 2020

image for Football Setback As 2,500 Players Test Positive For Greed
The goal De Gea protects for £53,000 per day

There was a catastrophe on the eve of the return of the football programme last night, when it was announced that a staggering 2,563 professional football players had tested positive for greed.

The infected players came from every club.

None had Covid-19 symptoms.

The news came as the national game prepared to return after a 3-month lay-off due to the worldwide pandemic, and will be a confirmation of fans' previously-held beluefs that footballers are whingeing, overpaid primadonnas who are stealing food out of the mouths of hardworking supporters, and lining their pockets with extraordinary amounts of undeserved cash, that are unjustifiable within any stretch of the imagination.

For kicking a ball about.

Many sufferers claimed their greed arose out of the need to retain unscrupulous agents, whose main agenda involved fleecing clubs with insane wage demands for their clients, often holding the clubs to ransom.

Manchester City stars, Kevin Du Bruyne and Raheem Sterling, earn £325,000 and £300,000 per week respectively, but the Premier League's top earner, at the moment, is Manchester United goalkeeper, Ed De Gea, who pockets a cool £375,000 every 7 days, rain or shine, winter or summer, whether he plays or not.

And he's only a goalkeeper.

He said:

"I know it's a lot of money, but the wife's forever buying shoes and handbags, and that car of mine guzzles petrol like nobody's business!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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