Top Premier League Clubs To Be Forced To Buy Quota Of 'Players That Aren't Very Good' Next Season

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 13 February 2020

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Manchester United, and last season's Premier League champions, Manchester City, head a list of top clubs who, in a bid to bring parity to the game, will be forced to buy new players from a pool of hoofers and has-beens from the lower leagues.

Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur are also on the list, which was published in a new FA directive on its website this afternoon.

Instead of diving headlong into the transfer market with unlimited funds to throw at the best players in the game, the FA has decided that clubs will only be allowed to buy a maximum of four new players per transfer window:

• two from a Superstar category

• two from a Donkey category

The move is part of a plan to address the issue of inequality on the football ladder.

With vast resources from super-rich owners, and huge amounts from Sky TV appearance money in their coffers, the so-called 'elite clubs' can strengthen their squads in a way that less-well-off clubs cannot.

The playing field is far from level.

From next season, however, teams will be forced to buy two players who are either past their best, or who just can't cut the mustard, from the Donkey Category, and these players must make a minimum number of 22 appearances.

Manchester City manager, Pep Guardiola, said:

"It's not ideal, but we'll take it in our stride."

Manchester United boss, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, was also philosophical, saying:

"It's nothing new for us. Most of our players are already donkeys."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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