Harry Maguire, the Manchester United and England central defender, has told team-mates that, despite his success at the club, and his pivotal role in the Old Trafford back four, he harbours a secret desire to score goals, and lots of them.
Maguire, 26, cost United £80million when he arrived from Leicester in the summer, but he hasn't once found the back of the net yet. The lad scored a crucial goal for England against Sweden during the World Cup in Russia, but has, so far, drawn a blank for United.
Said the Yorkshireman:
"It's fine being a big, broad-shouldered brick shithouse of a defender, but I want to get into the opposition box and stick my nut on one of those crosses, and hit the back of the net. I've been practising some new goal celebrations in the back garden with Fern."
And, indeed, sources at United's training ground confirmed Maguire had been trying out some quirky new celebrations.
Marcus Rashford said:
"He's tried doing one of those springing handstands that Faustino Asprilla used to do at Newcastle, but some of the other players got hurt."
Maguire has also been practising the 'cradling a baby' celebration, fuelling speculation that Fern might have a bun in the oven.
Mason Greenwood chipped in:
"Everyone wants to score goals, but Harry's a defender. His goal should be to prevent goals, not score them!"
But Maguire was unrepentant:
"I've had it with defending! It's boring. Bollox to what the others say. I'm off prowling, and I'm jolly well going to score a goal if it's the last thing I do at United."