"P---ing For Distance;" New Olympics Event

Funny story written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Thursday, 19 September 2019

image for "P---ing For Distance;" New Olympics Event
The Belgian squad in training yesterday

Lausanne, Switzerland. Special to The Spoof. Following a tumultuous meeting of the International Olympics Committee, a divided membership narrowly voted to add P---ing For Distance as a probationary event in the 2024 Olympics in Paris. Those members in opposition have already called for a re-vote at next month's meeting.

Numerous events that are not traditionally part of track and field have been added to the Olympics in recent years. Advocates of P---ing For Distance argued that if Synchronized Cheerleading has a spot at Paris, why not add P---ing? Their motion carried, 65-63 with three abstentions. It's those abstentions that give hope to the opposition for reversal at the next meeting.

One hang-up went unresolved. The motion to add P---ing For Distance did not stipulate whether there would be both a men's and women's competition. The assumption was that the 2024 Olympics would find the event only on the men's schedule. Women athletes have already filed an equal rights suit.

No official Olympic record for the P---ing For Distance exists although it may have been on the schedule at the original Greek Olympics as far back as 776 B C. Legend has it that Ari Stanopopulus, the lesser known of the two runners who carried the word of the Battle of Marathon to the Greek palace, produced a stream measuring 10' 6 1/4 inches after his pitiless non-stop run following the battle. The Greeks allowed the contest in the warm-up games that preceded the regular Olympics, but, for propriety, did not record winners' names or distances.

The existing World Record for P---ing For Distance by a man is 9' 7", achieved by an anonymous Estonian in 1953. He drank 2 quarts of water 10 hours before the competition, followed by a cup every 30 minutes, concluding with another quart 15 minutes before the event. Two other competitors, using the same routine, died of ruptured bladders before they could challenge the leader.

Among the women, P---ing For Distance has no accepted record, and the ones reported fall far short of the Estonian's.

As of now, P---ing For Distance will be staged on an open track, with the competitors standing or sitting discreetly behind a screen with a narrow opening for the stream's course, which will land on a stretch of smooth sand. All measurements will be in kilometers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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