"Invasion of privacy, would be an understatement," said J.H. Maguire, following a battery of reports concerning his personal development and state of mind. "I'm a laughing stock. There comes a stage when ennui sets in...like now..."
The Manchester United defender was relaxing in a vat of cornmeal gravy which, he claims, is beneficial to knee joints and ankles. "OK, it looks strange, but it's effective. Bit like me, really. And yes, I am going to alter my name. And yes, it's gonna be Sam McGuire. That should put them off the scent."
The footballer perused several columns about himself. "Mostly baloney, right? A lot of 'monkey' business, which is dangerous, 'cos all monkeys carry parasites. Gibbons are cleaner."
Climbing from the vat, he began to yodel, his favourite hobby. "I was the first England international to yodel the national anthem before a match. We yodel when defending corners at United, though it doesn't always work. Against Everton we switched to singing shanties, but some forget the text, so David de Gea has the wordsheets tucked away by the goalpost to check on before the corner's taken..."
Maguire - or McGuire, as he will soon be known - mellowed. "On the other hand, it could be adulation, I guess," he mused. "As a public figure, you never know if folk are just pulling your leg. Hey, maybe they really like me..."
Wiping the remains of gravy from his belly-button, he stepped into a tub of egg custard. "Excellent for the muscles, he explained. Harry knows, you know..!!"
He sure does....