Easiest Patsy On Your Early Season 2020 College Football Schedule? UCLA

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Tuesday, 17 September 2019

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College football schedules are usually completed two or three years in advance, but this fall, athletic directors at major schools are using the escape clause, and are tearing up the schedule for those first three games in 2020, hoping they can write in the easiest, most attractive patsy of all time: UCLA.

Notre Dame doesn't need Southern Utah in game one, who might draw 10,000, when they can play the Bruins in their Rose Bowl before 80,000.

"Sorry, Old Dominion," says the AD at Clemson. "Maybe another year, but not in 2020. Besides, you might beat us. UCLA won't, but they'll bring in lots of dough."

Scratch Western Michigan from Ohio State's opener. "Get the Bruins!" is the cry from Columbus. "In fact, see if we can schedule them in the first three games every year through 2030."

And in Westwood, the gurus in the athletic department nod in agreement. "Hell, if we're gonna lose to San Diego State or Nevada Reno, why not lose to the big time guys and make a pot full of money?"

So, after setting a school record by losing their first three games of 2019 to Cincinnati, San Diego State and Oklahoma, look for UCLA to hit the really big time with three consecutive defeats of 60-2, 56-2, and 90-6 to the likes of Michigan, Auburn, Georgia, Virginia Tech or whoever else is lucky enough to get this biggest patsy of all time on their 2020 schedules.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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