England Cricket Team Given Advice By Women's Captain

Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 14 July 2019

image for England Cricket Team Given Advice By Women's Captain
Such a polite, well-dressed fellow: Randall

When the England cricket team take the field against opponents, New Zealand, in the World Cup final at Lords this morning, they'll be giving it everything, and trying to remember the good advice given them by England Women's cricket team captain, Heather Knight.

Knight led the women's team to World Cup glory two years ago, and says the men can emulate her team if they listen carefully, and take her advice.

She said:

"The boys have to remember that it's not just about runs on the board, and a few quick wickets. People forget politeness. Men can be so impolite, shouting and screaming when they think they hear an edge to the wicketkeeper, or when they think someone is lbw. Just ask the umpire calmly, 'was that out?' There's no need to lose your hair!"

Heather also spoke about presentation. She said:

"I really don't like to see sleeves rolled up! What's wrong with wearing sleeves normally, buttoned at the cuffs, like Derek Randall, or Alan Knott? You might have some butch tattoos, chaps, but we don't want to see them!"

Hitting a six is also taboo in Heather's book.

"I think hitting a bowler for six is just about the most hideous, the most disrespectful, and the most hurtful thing you can do to someone. What's wrong with a square cut, a drive through the covers or mid-off, or pulling a short one through square leg? Keep the ball down on the ground, instead of hoisting it into the heavens like a showoff. Goodness me!"

Before she was done 'laying the law down', Heather had one final piece of advice:

"It's not something we have to worry about in women's cricket, but I'd strongly advise the men to play fair, and not to indulge in any ball-tampering. Gosh, it's just not cricket, and so unsightly!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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