The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #2: The Duck-billed Platypus

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 21 May 2019

image for The Wonderful World Of Uninteresting Animals #2: The Duck-billed Platypus
A man preparing to deal with an oncoming platypus

Welcome to the second - and quite possibly, the last, if current interest is anything to go by - episode in our series about uninteresting animals.

This week, I'm going to tell you a little bit about the Duck-billed Platypus, but only a little, because, to be absolutely truthful with you, I don't really know much about it myself!

To start with, the Duck-billed Platypus is a platypus with a bill like that of a duck. It has the tail of a beaver, the feet of an otter, and the back legs of a kangaroo. Indeed, it looks like parts from several different animals sewn together.

Platypi live exclusively in eastern Australia, but this isn't snobbery; rather, they probably don't know about the other parts of the country, and are quite satisfied with their current habitat. According to Aboriginal tribes, platypus meat tastes delicious, but the bill can be a problem.

The platypus is a very timid creature, but can - and sometimes does - attack when startled. For this reason, it's best to carry a cricket bat with you whenever you are entering platypus-infested areas. When Captain Cook put ashore at Botany Bay, his first notable action was to strike a platypus on the head.

The platypus is an aquatic animal, but it can also exist on land. Don't expect to find it in trees though - it is a poor climber. It is a mammal, but lays eggs, which tells you something about its nonconformist temperament. It's pretty much ugly.

The animal's diet is wide-ranging; it will eat almost anything that moves, and many things that don't. Although shy, clans of platypus will sometimes venture into towns to forage from waste bins, and have been known to wait outside branches of Subway for scraps to fall out of customers' sandwiches.

For those who have persisted with this nonsense and read this far, next week's episode will focus on the three-toed sloth, if I can be arsed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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