Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 30 December 2018

image for New Year's Honours List Did Not Include Roy Larner
The Queen, giving 'due consideration' to Larner

The Queen's New Year's Honours List was revealed yesterday, and, it's fair to say, there were very few surprises.

Former funnyman, now a 'travel documentarian', Michael Palin, got one, and 1960s (yes, 1960s!) fashion icon, Twiggy, got one, and so did a host of other relative nonentities from the worlds of literature and film.

In a show of pure cronyism, Theresa May managed to pay back some of those 'business people' who backed her Brexit proposals, by 'levering' their names into the Queen's reckoning.

One surprise was Gary Lineker, the Match Of The Day host, who has recently turned his hand to 'social media politics'. He gleefully received the KJBE, a Knob Jockey of the British Empire.

It's probably more interesting to speculate on what might have been.

Tommy Robinson might have been rewarded for ruffling feathers amongst the governing class, who think everyone should just sit back, shut up, and do as they are told. John Lydon might also have been recognised in this way. Not that either of them say much worth listening to.

Mark E. Smith, frontman with The Fall, who died in January, might have received a posthumous award for his services to music, northernness or drinking, but didn't.

A popular choice, particularly amongst the footballing fraternity, might have been Roy Larner, the Millwall fan who fought three Arab terrorist attackers on London Bridge after telling them:

"Fuck you, I'm Millwall".

Of course, Larner also has a 'darker side', which is better left undiscussed.

Unfortunately, very few people who actually deserve an award, receive one.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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