Written by Monkey Woods

Sunday, 17 June 2018

image for Subbuteo World Cup Latest
Iceland player-manager Gunnar Iciclesen, 12, prepares for battle

The Subbuteo World Cup produced its first shock on Saturday when unfancied Iceland beat the pre-tournament favourites, Argentina, 12-5.

The competition, which is totally unofficial, exactly mirrors the FIFA World Cup, but is not in Russia. Instead, matches are being played in various pubs, bars, clubs, living-rooms and even bedrooms around the UK.

Thursday's opener saw Russia trounce Saudi Arabia 7-6 in the back bedroom of 43, Medleycott Road in Ramsgate, the home of Mr and Mrs John Scuggins, whose son, Alan, 24, has been representing Russia at Subbuteo for 16 years. His opponent was Salim Malik who lives in the next street.

Rochdale was the venue for the Spain v. Portugal encounter, which had to be abandoned after 14 minutes with the score at 1-1. Ben Smith, 11, (Spain) and Thomas Spratt, 10, (Portugal) argued about a throw-in, and not even the intervention of Ben's mum, Jenny, could resolve the situation.Thomas went home early, much to his own mum's surprise.

"I was surprised," she said, "they're usually such good friends."

In Manchester, it was a different story. The Peru v. Denmark game at Urmston Working Men's Club got off to a flying start with Denmark (Ernest Snatchworth) racing into a 3-0 lead in the first two minutes. Alf Dagfoot, representing the Peruvians, then spilt a pint of Heineken all over the pitch, and the soggy conditions completely changed the game. Alf scored with a piledriver from 6cm, but his player then vaulted the perimeter fence and fell to the floor, where he was trampled to death by careless glass collector, Betty Upshite, 61. Without the benefit of substitutes, Peru were always going to be up against it from that point on, but they rallied and won 15-8.

The England v. Tunisia game will be played under floodlights on Monday at 8pm, at 14 Crofton Gardens in Plymouth.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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