Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 15 June 2018

image for The Secret England Footballer: Russia 2018 Repino base
Villagers celebrate England team's arrival

What a dump. I checked Tripadvisor before coming here and it's even worse then I thought. I'm in the middle of nowhere and there are less than 3,000 people here.

Points of interest: Chapel of Saints Cosmas and Damian, you won't find me in there, and one museum, as if I care. There is a spa, but I can't imagine "Mr. Southgate" letting me out to get a bit frisky with the local ladeeez. Mind you from what I've seen in this one donkey town, those women who aren't of pensionable age are either missing several teeth or are dressed head to toe in fur coats and headscarves - and it's the middle of summer.

I heard that some Russian MP Tamara whatshername told Russian women not to let foreign men get their leg over. No need for her advice in this town as I won't be making the effort. It's not as if I can even smuggle the boss's daughter in past the armed guards and the iron knickers of the bloody old concierge woman, plus I'm room mates with one of Gareth's goody two shoes brigade. What a miserable set up. Looks like it's going to be selfies for a while.

There's been one bit of light on the horizon though, Marcus has hurt himself in training. I might get a game yet, here's hoping.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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