Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 8 June 2018

image for England Football Fans Beg Team Not to Win World Cup
Oi Lineker No! The Spoof prefers a womankini

The Football Association was reeling today when England fans presented a petition with 45 million signatures begging them not to allow the team to win the World Cup. It had been signed by men, women, children and in one case a Leicester pensioner's cat.

The national crisis was caused by a CBBC broadcast in the series "Nikki Lilly meets..." when the unfortunate Ms. Lilly found herself facing former England goalscorer and TV commentator Gary Lineker's horrendous stories and unfortunate promise, or rather threat, that should the England team win in Russia 2018 he would wear a mankini on Match of the Day.

A visibly shaken Ms. Lilly said after the broadcast "I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault. Can't you see how shocked I am?"

She expanded on her unpleasant experience:

"Mr. Lineker was always a hero to me. The twinkle in his eye, the in-jokes, the boyish looks, the snarky asides, he was just the perfect older man, but now he's ruined it. I could just about manage the story about pooing himself during a match, but telling me he would wear a mankini? He went too far.

"For the rest of the interview all I could see in my mind's eye was a vision of his nutsack there for all to see. Euuugh! Please Football Association, put a stop to this nightmare for me."

A hastily convened meeting of the "FA blazers" at their headquarters in Wembley announced an internal enquiry and issued an invitation to Mr. Lineker to appear before them to discuss his intentions in a press release.

"The Football Association has invited Mr. Gary Lineker to attend a meeting where we expect him to show us the offending apparel to which he is alluding. In order that we may decide if it is an offensive garment the England Women's team has requested that Mr. Lineker appears before them in private to model said item."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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