In a move that will infuriate Brexit supporters everywhere Liverpool are eying up the transfer of Iranian striker Sardar Azmoun from Russian side FC Rostov. Predictably the hard working British people have had their say on this national scandal.
John O'Keefe said: "What can he do that I can't? Once again taking away top jobs from hard working Brits and soldiers."
This was followed up by the next guy we passed on the street. Lewis Shimmer: Outrageous. You don't see our kids travelling across to Russia and trying to take opportunities off Iranian kids. Corbyn's Britain this is. There's blood on his hands.
The next grossly exaggerated for comedy purposes statement was made by a shirtless man covered in Union Jack and bull dog tattoos. He was waving a copy of the Sun around while clearly struggling under the weight of a massive poppy he had attached to his back. Paul Paul was his name (named as such because his parents didn't have any imagination): "This is outrageous. First the NAZIS, then Calais now this! What's next gay black marriage? They are eroding our culture , they are destroying our way of life, their-"
He began to choke, a fucking lot it has to be said, on a burger he had been eating. When the ambulance arrived his life was saved by the quick thinking of the Polish paramedic who performed the Heimlich manoeuvre.
It was curious as we had watched him choke we didn't even lift a finger to help him. It wasn't even us who rang the ambulance. We weirdly felt absolutely bugger all about the plight of another human being as they were moments away from losing their grip on their earthly core. This must be how the far right feel all the time.