New York, NY-After an emergency meeting between the NFL's 32 owners late last night, a decision has been made to unanimously vote Roger Goodell out of his position of Commissioner and, effective immediately, replace him with Donald Trump. The move came as a surprise to many, but was explained thusly by one owner, who wished to remain anonymous:
"With Goodell's lack of popularity, we felt the need to make a change, and who better than the Donald? His recent comments about women fall right in line with what this league values, and having a commissioner without at least one allegation of sexual assault seemed a bit hypocritical. We need someone who represents our players, and we feel that Trump is right for the job - he's shown he is very in touch with NFL locker rooms. Plus, he's great at avoiding taxes, so we're sure he'll be able to keep our non-profit status, and when it comes to swindling contractors, there's no one better. Over the next few years, we're planning on building several more stadiums, and we need a commissioner that will build the best stadiums at the highest cost to the taxpayer. Donald J. Trump is that man."
Trump announced that he was honored to take the position, and offered several concrete solutions to the many problems the NFL is facing.
"Listen, folks, the NFL under Goodell, it's been a disaster. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. (sniffle). A disaster. But we can make the NFL great again, we can. (sniffle). Look at the problems in Detroit, Cleveland, Miami. These cities are struggling, folks, and what they need is new leadership (sniffle) and to stop being losers. In my NFL, if you lose, you'll be fired,(sniffle) that's just how it goes."