Washington, DC - The Union of American Secret Spoofwriters, known as U ASS, officially endorsed Donald J. Trump for President. U ASS, which claims to be "blind" when it comes to politics, made the surprise announcement in the midst of Trump's public groping scandal.
"We ridicule everyone," said Anthony Weiner, U ASS's newly hired CEO, who for years has targeted vulnerable women on social media with his writings. "We have absolutely no connection to any candidate." Weiner is currently divorcing Hillary Clinton's closest aide, Huma Abedin.
U ASS weighed its choices carefully. Regarding Gary Johnson, Weiner stated, "He seems a little aloof on the intelligence scale and clueless on foreign issues, doesn't know Aleppo or any foreign leader, and smokes pot, but in the end, not a lot to work with."
"Hillary," Weiner laughed, "can lead to some solid satire. She laughs like a hyena, claims to be in public service but does anything for more money, deletes emails, has a lying and cheating husband who everyone likes more than her, and is so secretive and careful with her words that most people think she is lying about something. That's a lot to go on and who knows what lies ahead."
"But in the end, Trump is our man. If Trump wins, satire writers will be fully employed. New spoofwriters will emerge."
"What more can we ask in a celebrity President? He is married three times, gropes women and brags about it, confuses Latinos with Hispanics, ridicules the obese, the disabled, the immigrant, the Mexican and loves 'his' African Americans, he embraces Putin, and he says really stupid things and comes up with really stupid ideas, like building a wall and banning Muslims and dropping nuclear bombs, all on a daily basis."
"In the end," Weiner concluded, "Trump is a spoofwriters' dream and our union endorses him wholeheartedly."
Upon questioning, Weiner admitted that his ASS is fully funded by the Clinton campaign and the Clinton Foundation, and that his wife is fully supporting his family by working with Hillary Clinton. Nonetheless, he said he was able to be nonpartisan and instead throw his union's support to Trump.