On Tuesday, Republican nominee for President, Donald J. Trump announced, "Like Marcus Garvey, I have thrown off the shackles! After running a campaign marked by a concerted effort to seek national unity, racial and ethnic harmony, and party cohesion, I have debuted a new ad campaign declaring, "It's US Against the World. Yeah, I know; the world can't vote in our elections but "US Against US" was just too confusing."
To this reporter, the new oleaginous ad evokes scenes of the character Travis Bickle in the movie, "Taxi Driver" and Stuart Smalley from "Saturday Night Live." It is unlikely the parallels will be lost on his base constituency over the age of forty and is an oblique attack on Minnesota Senator Al Franken and Hollywood.
"What has a campaign comported in decorum, honorable discourse and mutual respect done for the forgotten, rank-and-foul Americans? Drawing on the historical tactics of General William Tecumseh Sherman's Savannah Campaign, Air Marshall Arthur "Bomber Harris' Operation Thunderclap that leveled Dresden and Colonel Curtis LeMay's Operation Meetinghouse that turned all of Tokyo into a raging inferno for days, I am taking off the gloves and fighting for our identity, long hijacked by the Washington elites and the left winged media like the Arizona Republic and the Dallas Morning News! I'm mad as hell and not taking it anymore, bigly! Starting today, I am abandoning the campaign slogans of "Let's Make America Hate Again" and "What Do You Have to Lose?" - the catchy ditties that annihilated sixteen or twenty-six primary idiots, mental midgets and losers… I can't remember cause there were so many. Now, my new motto will be, "Try Me, You'll Like Me." Remember, I own beauty pageants and have unfettered access to the dressing room of nubile teens and young women. Like who wouldn't want some of that action? Trust me; you'll be amazed!"
Trump also told this reporter, "When the polls close on November 8th, it will forever be known as the "Night of the hollow diatribes." After reading the legal opinions of those great jurists, A. Mitchell Palmer and Roland Freisler and consulting with John Mitchell III and Alberto Gonzales, to insure the well-being of Crooked Hillary, John Kasich, Tony Schwartz (no relation), and cowardly Paul Ryan, I will reinstitute schutzhaft or protective custody and direct my Attorney General, Roy Cohn Jr. to relocate politicians, media pundits, and columnists subject to the wrath of the populace to a facility either in Dutch Harbor Alaska arranged by my good friend, Sarah Palin or in a dacha maintained somewhere in Siberia by my close friend and banker, Vladimir Putin.
Simultaneously, campaign director Steve Bannon officially declared intifada on Paul Ryan, Hillary Clinton, the Dalai Lama, Pope Francis, Keith Olberman and sanitary napkins. Following the official proclamation, Bannon also announced new endorsements from the families of Bull Connor, Frank Rizzo, Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy, George Lincoln Rockwell and Fritz Julius Kuhn. "We could not be more proud to receive the trust and confidence of the (sic: far) offspring of these great Americans… and one Nazi!" Bannon added; "To assure law and order with civil obedience, I am directing the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan to patrol in uniform all voting precincts across this great nation, as a means of discouraging the voter fraud so rampant in 2008 and succeeded in electing a Muslim Kenyan as President. Somewhere I heard the phrase, "Never again," and I agree. I also reject the politically motivated assertions this strategy is an attempt to suppress the vote; it is only intended to avert the profligate and illegal voting tactics we witnessed in 2008 and 2012.
In other news, the band Pink Floyd's founding bassist, Roger Waters has filed a $250 million copyright infringement suit against Donald Trump for the excessive use of "the wall" in his presidential campaign. Waters told the London Times, "Our band is universally associated with that phrase and Trump has sought to subconsciously positively link our quadruple platinum eponymous album with his depraved and ill-conceived political ambitions and use the words as a launching platform for the embryonic development of the Trump cable TV network."
The Wired Street Urinal Reporter: KR Schwartz
October 13, 2016 12:05 CDT