Written by Nicholas Renteria

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

SANTA CLARA, Calif. -- Ealier this week it was announced that convicted Stanford rapist Brock Turner would be released after serving half of his six month jail sentence.

The Santa Clara District Attorney's office has now released a statement announcing that it will bestow upon Turner a medal for "bravery in the face of extreme adversity."

"It is our pleasure to award Mr. Turner this medal for spending a full three months in prison, despite the terrible effect it may have had on his self-worth," the statement reads.

Turner was convicted of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a garbage can on the Stanford University campus. His six month sentence was already deemed by many to be too lenient, but the Santa Clara DA disagrees.

"If not for the wise benevolence of Judge Aaron Persky," the statement continues, "Mr. Turner might have risked serious and lasting damage to his mental health as well as his faith in the United States justice system."

The statement also goes on to recommend Turner be awarded the key to the city of Santa Clara pending the successful completion of his three-year probationary period.

"We understand how difficult it will be for Mr. Turner to control himself over the next few years, particularly after being surrounded by criminals, entrenched in an atmosphere of depravity for three long months with nothing but his character to guard his modest and delicate sensibilities.

"But after defying the odds and persevering through such a severe punishment, we have enormous faith that this young man can make it through this next test without any further indiscretions."

Judge Persky could not be reached for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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