Written by Amiko Aventurista

Thursday, 18 August 2016

image for Gun Law Powers Trump University to National Debate Championship
UT Debate Team at Practice

Trump University (TU) celebrated its first national debate championship thanks in large part to the recent open gun carry law passed by the Texas legislature and signed by the Governor. Using their right to carry guns into school events and on campus, the "Braggers", as they are known on the college circuit, were a perfect 27 - 0.

Trump University President, Donald Trump, who supported the law, said prohibiting guns on campus was a mistake, "my University is the greatest incubator of unique and innovative ideas and using guns to win debates falls into our proud tradition. As Chairman Mao once said, power comes from the barrel of a gun".

Critics point to the schedule, all debate tournaments where held in Texas this year, as the reason for their national championship. However, long-time coach Paul Manafort disagrees, "… the schedule was set before the passage of the gun law. Look, we started strong this year. In our first tournament the University of San Francisco quit after we displayed our second amendment rights during their rebuttal. I knew those SF liberals would run at the sight of a little steel."

Trump U boosters point with pride to the diversity of the team as a source of strength. The team was led by its captain and National Rifle Association (NRA) youth President, Bobby-Joe Grenfell, of Twin Palms. "We had confidence. To quote my favorite movie character, Al Pachino in Scarface, we started all our debates by asking opponents to say hello to our little friends". The team also included Jose Carlos Antonio De La Plata, from Loredo. "I have anger issues. I'm fifth generation in Texas and I can't speak, read, or write in Spanish. I can't even write or say my name properly because I don't understand Spanish at all. But when I debate with my 45 at my side, look-out." Perhaps the most inspiration member is Chau Bian, who fled Vietnam at the age of 12. "I learn to shot at the age of 7 and used my talent to blast my way of that dictatorship."

The team dedicated its victory to Derrick Williams, the only African American member, who unfortunately died right before the finals of a self-inflicted wound while cleaning his gun. Speaking for the team, Ms. Bian said, "We all love Derrick Williams. I can't believe he was that careless. But that is the price we pay for second amendment rights."

The lock room celebration reflected the team's youthfulness and culture. As all members are under the legal drinking age, coach Rollins would not allow them to drink, because "…that would be dangerous". Instead, he did permit members to shot the champagne bottles rather than popping the corks as that would actually make more noise.

Donald Trump, Jr, Athletic Director, join the festivities and proclaim his intent to expand the concept to the entire sports program. For years, our football team has sucked. I know Lou Holts is desperate to Making Trump University football Great Again. As my dad would say, Trump U is greatest and the new gun law is what make debate great again. I predict we could be hosting the national championship trophy next year."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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