Written by mikewadestr

Sunday, 3 July 2016

image for Orioles First Baseman Chris Davis Breaks Toe While Kicking Bat Between Pitches
Who needs a big toe anyway?

Baltimore Orioles resplendent slugger Chris Davis had a common habit of nonchalantly dropping the bat head downwards and kicking it softly on the toes of his feet between pitches during an at bat. Unfortunately on Friday night during a game against the Seattle Mariners a bat kick caused him injury as it ripped through the toe of his left shoe shattering his big toe. The happenstance left Chris Davis on the ground grabbing his left foot and writhing in pain and screaming wildly.

His language was so incoherent that home plate umpire, Danny Blind immediately ejected him from the game claiming Davis was arguing balls and strikes.

A red hot Buck Showalter, madder than a wet hen, immediately scurried from the Orioles' dugout to argue on Davis' behalf that he was cussing and not arguing balls and strikes. He repeated Davis' undecipherable speech to the umpire to no avail. He too was ejected by Blind for the same reasons as Davis.

This only enraged Showalter who immediately started kicking dirt from around home plate on Blind's feet until Blind was covered in dirt up to his waist.

It took the entire dugout of Orioles to pull the ejected Showalter off of the field and into the team's dugout. When he was finally put on ice Blind was buried up to his shoulders in dirt. It took the Seattle grounds crew 20 minutes to finally dig Blind out of the dirt.

Neutralizing Davis so they could get him on a stretcher and off the field was another problem all together. The powerful Davis started throwing players, groundskeepers and coaches off him left and right. Half of those thrown ended up in the upper deck stands where happy fans scrambled to claim them as game souvenirs and would eventually take them home with them to be put into their trophy cases.

They finally had to call in the gorilla keeper from the city's zoo in order to have him shoot a tranquilizer dart into Davis to get him from thrashing on the ground. Although the zoo keeper did give Davis a bunch of bananas to help calm him during the process.

During a press conference after the game an exasperated Showalter blurted out:

"I keep telling my guys not to tap the bat on the toes of their feet between pitches during their at bats because this is exactly what can happen".

When told what Showalter had said Davis agreed adding:

"I learned my lesson from this. From now on I'm just going to tap the bat on my head between pitches".

As of press time the Seattle grounds crew had ordered a dump truck full of dirt to fill in the hole that Showalter had made around home plate.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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