Yankee Closer Andrew Miller Complains The Crowd Is Too Loud

Written by mikewadestr

Friday, 27 May 2016

image for Yankee Closer Andrew Miller Complains The Crowd Is Too Loud
Now that's what I call heat!

Yankee pitcher Andrew Miller has complained repeatedly about the crowd noise during his home closing performances. The crowd, Andrew opined is just "way too loud".

The gangly, sinewy south paw who's been consistently at the top of the league when it comes to saves has been a diamond in the rough on an under achieving New York Yankee team. His scrupulous detail to hitters' weaknesses as well as his repertoire of dominating pitches has him sitting well with one of the league's best ERAs. Unfortunately, the one thing Andrew hates more than giving up home runs is the annoying presence of noise.

Miller, who spends most of the game in the Yankee bullpen, claims the loud cheering of the crowd causes him to lose connection with his inner self when he takes the mound in a nail biting situation with the game on the line.

Andrew lamented that when he would strike out a batter the crowd would become so resoundingly loud causing the entire stadium to shake so handily, the jumbotron in center field would shake so violently causing the picture of the batter at the plate to have the illusion of suffering from the DTs.

"Baseball is supposed to be a pastoral sport", complained Miller. "Back in the day people would come to watch baseball laconically with picnic baskets and bottles of Dom Perignon. Now they just show up carrying beer and bellicosity".

"When you go to a baseball game you should expect to hear silence. Geez, now it's like seeking serenity in a church full of holy rollers".

"Honestly, the decibel level would reach a peak so high where it appeared the entire stadium was about to collapse, which probably would be a good idea because it would shut them all up. Let's get real, the noise level definitely exceeds 100DB which is well and above what is healthy and safe for any working environment. OSHA should be looking into this".

"You can't tell me all this noise is not affecting the flight patterns of birds flying over the stadium? Where is PETA when you need them?"

As of press time Andrew Miller was welcoming entering fans with flyers claiming "Silence is golden in the ninth inning".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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