New York -- Major League Baseball has banned the entire fan base of the New York Mets from participating in any aspect of the game. The ruling by new MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred takes effect immediately and lasts until the end of the current season.
"No rooting. No cheering. No blogging. No comments. The suspension applies to all fan style activities," Manfred said. "If the players have to live without their drugs, then so too do their supporters. It is hoped that this stringent punishment will put an end to the use of delusion enhancing drugs by followers of the game."
MLB drug investigators were working on several cases involving players during spring training in Florida, when they spotted an unusually high number of delusional fan comments in Mets media coverage.
"These statements were completely over-the-top," Manfred said. "Things like: the Mets were going to win more games than they lose this year. Or: Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson was going to give up his disastrous baseball career for a spot on the professional crocheting circuit. Or: Mets Manager Terry Collins was going to count off the number of bases without using his fingers. There was a seemingly endless stream of fantasy statements like these."
Sure enough, when the fans who made the crazy comments were confronted, they readily admitted to using delusion enhancing drugs. LSD, cocaine and bath salts, were all part of their game. The general consensus was you had to be on something to follow the Mets.
Manager Terry Collins was devastated by the suspensions. "I remember the days when a case of Rheingold was all you needed to enjoy a ballgame," he said. "My beer is Rheingold, the dry beer. Look for Rheingold whenever you buy beer. I love that jingle."
One unnamed MLB insider argued that the Mets deserve to be playing in an empty Citi Field. "Here's a team that didn't seem to have the time to seek out a professional shortstop," he said. "That's like a golfer without a putter or a racecar with three wheels. But what do you expect from an organization that's owned by a Bernie Madoff buddy and run by a bunch of bean counters?"
The Mets have acknowledged their connection to Madoff with the development of a new defensive tactic called the Ponzi Play. It involves leveraging the price of Citi Field luxury suites with computer controlled shortselling of pine tar futures.
Also in the works was a special tribute night called Salute to Drug Enforcement. The highlight of the event: A convicted DEA agent was to serve his sentence, strapped to an electric chair provided by Bob's Discount Furniture, the official furniture furnisher of every New York sports team you can think of.
"We were going to throw in the Ottoman and a pair of matching end tables," Bob said. "And his next of kin had their eye on one of our convertible couch caskets. But sometimes the breaks don't go your way."
As part of the suspension agreement, Mets fans will hand over $3 million worth of hallucinogens to the Take a Trip Foundation, a nonprofit organization which grants psychedelic experiences to indigent junkies.