The final word on Deflate-gate

Funny story written by Martin Jaeger

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Editor's note: On Saturday, May 24, Patriots coach Bill Belichick conducted a press conference to provide the final word on the ball-inflation investigation. The full transcript as provided by the team appears below.

BB: I want to take this opportunity to share some information. I now know more than I could ever imagine about bladders, air gauges, stitching, pressure, game day football preparation, rubdowns and so forth.

As Tom [Brady] explained on Thursday, the most important part of the football for the quarterback is the feel of the football. Tom told me that he can't feel the ball because he has Mytosis Nervitis, a rare disease of the fingertips. You can see when he throws the ball, it flutters helplessly like a quail on a moonstruck night in November.

When I feel a football, I can feel a difference between slippery and tacky and I'll bet like hell you can, but not Tom. So why would he fool with the football pressure?

When the footballs are delivered to the officials locker room, we deliver them at 12.5 PSI. I can't help it if the scale is not set up right. It's at the discretion of the official to check it. I can't help it if he takes our word.

Now instead of blaming us, you should be blaming a lot of other things. Number one, gauges. We're talking about air pressure. Clearly all footballs are different; it's not a man-made piece of equipment. It's an animal skin, it's a bladder, it's stitching, it's laces.

So what do you do? You blame Tom instead. Poor dumb bastard doesn't know the whole alphabet and can't count to 11, and that's why we have too many men on the field all the time. Tom just isn't that smart. You see how he throws the ball, one after another, like a machine. He's a robot and has the brain of a robot.

Look, I'm the brains of the team. I'm the one that videotaped the other team's signals. You don't think Tom was smart enough to think of that. So,big deal, we got fined.

Those illegal hits. That's me. I figured out that we could knock out one of their top players with one of our subs. You think Tom could of thought of that.

Turning up the speaker system and blasting Cowboy songs when their quarterback was calling signals. That's me.

Rubbing grease into footballs. That's me.

Ineligible, eligible receivers. That's me.

I tell you Tom, didn't do. He's just not smart enough.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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