Written by Chris Powell

Saturday, 5 December 2015

The National Football League has announced the halftime act for its centerpiece spectacular, Superbowl XL - whiny British balladeers Coldplay. The band, whose records have provided the soundtrack to countless teenagers drinking cider alone in their bedrooms, were handpicked by Commissioner Roger Goodell as the perfect crescendo to the season which will allegedly be watched in 175 countries, 172 of which won't have a clue what they are watching.

Said Goodell, "We considered a number of acts for the slot, from the upbeat teens One Direction or the hip stylings of Wizzy Cliffa (sic), but to who better to exemplify this season, with its tacit condonement of domestic violence (as long as it's committed by talented players), the endless bungling of calls in key games by incompetent referees and, or course, my failed vendetta against the New England Patriots, who better than the band that makes you want to open your wrists whilst downing a bottle of xanax?"

Rumors that self pitying moaner Ed Sheeran has been approached to appear as a special guest could not be confirmed.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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