Alabama Crimson Tide become NFL's newest expansion team

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Monday, 9 February 2015

image for Alabama Crimson Tide become NFL's newest expansion team
The Alabama Crimson Tide's new NFL uniforms: But who knows? As long as there's a lot of red represented....

The Alabama Crimson Tide have become the NFL's newest expansion team, creating quite a stir in a dysfunctional organization that now seems to be imploding in sundry controversies.

NFL spokesman Roger Allovem said it was a tough decision, bringing on an NCAA perennial powerhouse, but NCAA Div. I schools have been complaining for years now that having the Crimson Tide on the same playing field, even with one of a season's best teams, "is totally unfair and really, it's downright cruel and lowdown."

"Even all other teams in the ever-powerful SEC complain year after year about the Crimson Tide, and it's always things like 'Won't they ever go away?!' Or, 'Just leave! Shoo!'" he added.

"So we're doing something about it all. We're slaying this awful dragon. And we figured this was a good year to sneak the Crimson Tide in as an expansion team. We're going to pay these college players a little, I guess, and the team will be a joint cooperative owned by the University of Alabama and the National Football League," Allovem said.

Nick Saban will likely remain as the team's head coach, Allovem reported, adding that "Why change now? Saban's been the head coach since 2007 and he has NFL experience, too, having been head coach of the Miami Dolphins."

Saban was unavailable for comment, but the University of Alabama's Assistant-to-the-Assistant-to-the-Assistant Sports Information Director, Toby Greenleaf, said Saban seems to be taking the news well.

"I can't say he's overjoyed. I don't think I ever see Coach Saban overjoyed. Except right after he and the team win a national championship," Greenleaf said.

Other NCAA powerhouses were considered as NFL expansion teams, including the Ohio State Buckeyes, the Florida State Seminoles, and the Oregon Ducks, but in the end, with only one slot available for an expansion bid, the Crimson Tide were chosen, NFL spokesman Alloven said.

"Even the Marshall Thundering Herd, the Michigan Wolverines, the UCLA Bruins, the Edgar Waters Tigers, the Army Black Knights and the Texas Longhorns made the long list, but in the end, it turned out to be red, red, red. As in Crimson Tide red," Alloven said.

The Crimson Tide open the regular season on Sept. 13 against reigning Super Bowl Champions the New England Patriots in Boston's Gillette Stadium. The Crimson Tide are expected to win by 39 points, according to a collection of very wise men who know the game and know the game well.

Coach Saban led the Crimson Tide to BCS and AP national championships in the 2009, 2011 and 2012 seasons. He's got trophies and accolades galore, and already, some of the NFL owners and players are griping about the move to place the Crimson Tide into the NFL.

"I don't know why they're putting a university team into the pro ranks. It's crazy, but has the NFL done anything sane in the last year?" said Indianapolis Colts spokesman Roger Wheelersville.

"College kids in the big leagues? What's next, a high-enrollment high school team that wins state championships year after year?" said Cleveland Browns spokesman Bobby "the Bunny Man" Boneswigglesworth. "It's not Friday Night Lights, it's Sunday Afternoon frights. Jeepers creepers! Call 9-1-1!"

"Let me at 'em. Let me at 'em. Let me at 'em," said Baltimore Ravens middle linebacker Sammy "Snookie the Killdog" Hossenfeffer.

"Those southern college kids don't stand a chance in the big boy racket," said Green Bay Packers center Mikey "The Destroying Germ" Sykes. "Sure, they do well in the NCAA Div. I year after year, but what are they going to do when a killer pterodactyl team like the Packers come visit them down there in Alabama? I know what they'll do, they'll run from us like they've seen a bunch of werewolves."

Meantime, Toby Greenleaf said even though Coach Saban wasn't giving any quotes out to the press over the "new" news, Greenleaf said Coach Saban said there's quite a bit of braggadocio and boasting among the NFL players, owners, and coaches.

"Coach Saban told me that his team will be undergoing intensive positive reinforcement therapy, along with attending their regular college classes. By the time the 2015 NFL season starts, the Crimson Tide will be ready to squash the biggest and baddest the NFL has to offer," Greenleaf said.

The NFL's newest expansion team's players will be paid handsomely for their part in adding a lot of color to the NFL. "At least ten bucks an hour," Allovem said. "And they'll be union members represented by the Light Bulb Manufacturers, Ceramic Widget & Gidget, Dog Groomers & Horse Jockey Riders Union Local 13657 out of Hoboken, N.J."

"But all Crimson Tide players are expected to make their academic commitments, be of sterling good character, and meet a 9 p.m. curfew every night except for Friday and Saturday nights, when they will be allowed to stay out until 10:30 p.m.," Greenleaf said.

"They are expected to be nothing more and nothing less than perfect gentlemen on and off the field. We expect no less than this," Greenleaf said.

"Coach Saban's a stickler for rules and he will have no problem kicking unruly players, you know, rebel-rousers, rowdies, and degenerate creeps, off the team - even if they happen to be superstars - if they don't comply with the university's rules of conduct and etiquette. He's nobody to mess with, Mister Nick - no, no, no sir'ee. I mean superstars? What are they? Coach Saban makes superstars and these players have very little to do with it all," Greenleaf snorted.

When asked if Coach Saban had any advice for a Yankee reporter's chances of living a good life, Greenleaf said, "I'm sure Coach Saban would advise any Yankee Reporter to get plenty of sleep; eat a lot of greens, catfish and beef; drink a lot of water; stay away from tobacco, booze, and gosh darned forbid, don't even dabble with anything illegal or immoral; attack the keyboard like Terry Bradshaw attacked all his foes; make it to the church of his choice each Sunday; watch plenty of college and pro football in fhe fall; and always be good to your mamma. And listen to your Daddy. Got that, Bubba?"

- "Yupp. Thank'ye'sir."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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