Trillions of people -- and other sentient beings all across the universe -- are positively catatonic in anticipation of the 2015 Hyper Bowl, scheduled to take place on March 1.
In a press conference held this past Sunday, event promoter Max Blowhard told millions of slack-jawed, wide-eyed journalists: "February's Super Bowl was about as exciting as a room full of narcoleptic accountants watching paint dry. Next month's Hyper Bowl, by contrast, promises to be by far the most thrilling and fascinating event since the Big Bang"
With his eyes gleaming like quasars and his mouth drooling like Niagara Falls, he continued: "A metric shitload of fans will be glued, riveted, and welded to the very edge of their seats while they scream like banshees at the sight of locomotive-sized athletes slamming into one another with tsunami force!"
And what of the half-time show? Agent Melody Booker promised that it was going to be a doozy: "We've lined up a boatload of bands, including Blackest Sabbath, Pinkest Floyd, and The Goliath Beatles. Your eardrums are sure to be blown clear to Jupiter, leaving you grinning like a post-orgasmic Cheshire cat on magic mushrooms!"