The disqualification of Britain's Shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls for cheating during Sunday's final day Bilderberg annual golfing competition means original runner-up, 90 year old Henry Kissinger has now been declared the official winner.
'I suspected he was up to no good when I reached the 10th tee,' said Henry today. 'Looking at the scoreboard I could see I was in second place but still 86 shots behind the leader Mr Balls, and that was despite the hole-in-one I'd 'ad at the first, and then taking only a seven to get down the hole at the long 5th. I was playing out of me skin I was, yet that scoreboard was still showing me t' be trailing Ed by 86 shots.'
'Well,' continued Henry, 'I turns t' me caddie 'fores I walks over t' the 10th tee and says to 'im that I reckon there's sumfing fishy goin' on up ahead wivs that Ed Balls fella, ah said the geezer must fink I'm mad if 'e finks I'm gonna believe that score ov 'is up on that scoreboard there. Even Tiger Woods would av a problem keepin' up wiv 'im, I says. Well I mean, the trophy itself aint worf much but there's a tenner f' the winner and also the winner gets t' keep the Bilderberg green jacket so yer can't just assume that people will play 'cording t' the rules, cans yer.'
'Anyways, me caddie reckoned it was best to keep on playin' n then av a word wiv the stewards afterwards, just sorta tell 'em I was suspectin' there'd been a bit ov cheatin' goin' on out there on the course and that it might be a good idea for 'em to take a look at the 'elicopter film Prince William 'ad been takin' from over'ead. So that was what I did, like, and yeah, turned out Ed Balls is a cheatin' little toe-rag.'
Despite the overhead film evidence from the helicopter, Mr Balls maintains his innocence, describing the very idea he'd cheat in a game of golf as 'silly'.
'If Henry wants the green jacket that bad he's welcome to it,' said Mr Balls from his home at Dale Farm today. 'The fact remains that I won that competition fairly without breaking any of the course rules. Those rules were up on a wall in the clubhouse for all to see. There were several crossing outs clearly showing amendments to some of the rules when playing that Hertfordshire course, and it wasn't me who crossed out the old rules,' he smiled.
'Nowhere in that list of rules on the clubhouse wall,' insists Mr Balls, 'was it stated that players aren't allowed to move those concrete pirates on the second, or that a player can't stick a twig into the blades of the little windmill on the 4th to stop them from spinning around, or that players aren't allowed to pick up those little gnomes on the bridge at the 15th then place them down on the grass while tapping their ball over that little pebbly bridge!'
