Store Dummy Washed Ashore
New York City name headless corpse washed ashore as "Store Dummy" until they can get some evidence from DNA, fingerprints.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Water Boarding Chimps?
Leading US Military Advisors throw up it's hands after PETA discovers the CIA first practiced water boarding on chimps. "We're in the shit now", says General
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Palin to aid in SC serial killer hunt
However when the Ex. Governor was told it was a SERIAL killer, not CEREAL killer, she replied, "Never mind. Oooh, that sounds dangerous."
written by tlmedia, 06 July 2009
Less Having Breast Surgery
Report: Less people having breast implants surgery due to the current bad US economy, back problems.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Fast Food Kills Bugs Too
Study: Even cockroaches get fat and die from heart attacks from eating unhealthy diets. No bug sprayers needed anymore for McDonalds, Hardees, etc.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Coleman Concedes, Ready For New Career
Rep. Norm Coleman has conceded to Democrat Al Franken in the Minnesota Senate race, ending one of the longest Senate races in American history. Coleman has accepted a role on Saturday Night Live.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Be Back Real Soon
South Carolina Governor Sanford apologizes for behavior, being gone too often and infidelity, to Argentine mistress, who forgives him.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Kim's Images From Earlier Filming
Latest televisions images shown of Kim Jung IL said to be "doctored from early in year as it shows him holding up a groundhog.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
"Heeerrreee's Jacko!"
Ed McMahan's funeral Tuesday to introduce the upcoming Michael Jackson funeral just a few hours later.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
India Joins Outcry
India joins Russia, China in calling for the world's currency not being based on California's IOU's
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Wacko Jacko Quick Hit Smacko?
The 'Dead King of Pop' coroner confirms that drugs were found in his house. Class A found in his Living Room, Class B found in his Dining Room and Class 4C found in his bedroom.
written by The Big C O Jones, 06 July 2009
Nothing Fishy Here
No longer "floundering in the ratings," San Francisco Onion refuses to be baited; has BuckwheatsButt saying "Holy Mackerel!" as he lures sole-less spoofer to deeper waters below number 5 position.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 July 2009
Words to Live By
San Francisco tourist industry workers wearing T-Shirts with phrase "Your Mom and Dad came to San Francisco on vacation and didn't even tip me enough to pay for this lousy T-Shirt" on days off.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 July 2009
Mississippi's Fattest
The state of Mississippi has won the the title as fattest state in the country. So far, no one has been able to wadle u here and take your trophy.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Coffee 'Cure For Alzheimers'
Sees thousands of sufferers rushing to supermarkets and buying up loads of hats.
written by Ron Smith, 06 July 2009
Tuesday's Wild Thing
Latest Rumor: Britney's Circus could join that of Michael Jackson's funeral Tuesday to create The Britney & Michael & Jackson Brothers Family Circus.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Follow That Penis-Pointer!
New study by the FDA says average Viagra user is getting younger. "They were already acting younger, so sales of penis-pointers could point the way out of the country's recession."
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Husband Turned Off By Exercise Equipment
Local husband tells wife to get off the "Thigh Master" or he's leaving her. "Her big thighs make her look like a frog in a swimsuit!"
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
The Guvinator Makes His Move
California's Governor Schwarzenegger, his state in deep financial dodo, annexes Arizona, Oregon.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
The Palin Resignation
The Sarah Palin resignation starts tongue's a-wagging as she has already scheduled a meeting with The Polar Bear's Club. Will she announce early for the 2012 Presidential race?
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Special Casket-Carrying Ceremony
Six special pall-bearers for the Michael Jackson funeral will do synchronized Moon Walk while carrying casket Tuesday.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Marin Links Pot To Pack
Cheech Marin: "Smoking marijuana has now been linked to seeing big bunches of green werewolves, and I'm up to two packs a day. Gotta run!"
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
SC Guv Gone Again
South Carolina Governor missing again but Lt. Governor says that he put a "Kick My Ass" sticker/tracking device on back of hiking shorts. "He's flying over Brazil right now."
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Pop Goes The Franken!
Senator Al Franken begins second week with a bang as loud fart heard above speaker, followed by "Whoa! How'd a weasel pop in my pants? Get outa there!"
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Overeating, Not Lack Of Exercise
Report reveals obesity caused by overeating, not by lack of exercise. "Most get plenty of exercise shoveling in huge amount of food every day. Most have eating arm that can out arm-wrestle a gorilla."
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Cheney Practicing Self-Medication
Former Vice President Dick Cheney apparently had another heart attack recently as Mrs. Cheney told the press that he's learned to shock himself back with taser.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Forgets First Anniversary
Local husband forgets their first wedding anniversary but believes it was in August. "After all, I was pretty drunk at the time."
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Hezbollah In Manhattan
Hezbollah, after severe ass-kicking by Israel a year ago, narrows it down to attacking Woody Allen.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Bikers Not Stupid After All
Most bikers are ugly, fat and stupid. Well, maybe not stupid. "Hi guys, traced me here did you?"
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Lohan Meant Spacey's
Lindsay Lohan runs down Macy's on tweeter until she realizes that Macy's sells her products. Says she meant Spacey's...and she's probably right.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Cher Selling Old Parts
Cher selling old used parts on the internet. Just bring up Cher@ "Pretty Body Please Don't Go"
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Ten-Year Volunteer Study
A ten year study by volunteers reports that cannabis is "long and rather like a duck swimming upside down".
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Lifetime Observes Jackson Funeral
On Tuesday, July 7th, The Lifetime Cable Channel will go dark for two hours in honor of Michael Jackson's funeral.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Moon-Walking With Michael Jackson
"Moon-Walking With Michael Jackson" the latest euphemism for telling someone that friend, family has passed away.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Obama Keeps Promises!
Barack Obama keeps his promise to treat us all the same. Six months later, we're all poor.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
FOX, MSNBC Not Biased
FOX News, MSNBC say they are no more as biased as any local newspaper is on their high school, college sport's teams.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
UK Government Car Scrappage is ONLY Temporary Measure!
The people who buy cars under the scrappage scheme, will not be able to trade in their new motors in 10 years time because it's extremely doubtful that they will last that long claims Jeremy Clarkson.
written by IN SEINE, 06 July 2009
Hilary Duff to join cast of Gossip Girl
Not knowing that this is a fictional TV series, Duff says "this ought to keep me back in the headlines again so people forget Miley and Adam."
written by unknown
Tiger Woods Wins Golf Tournament
Duh! Like you think someone else would?
written by unknown
Federer Excited About 15th Grand Slam Victory
Denny's Restaurants say "So what, we sell millions every month for breakfast."
written by unknown
Michael Jackson NOT DEAD?!?
Michael Jackson has been seen on the same weird island where Amy Winehouse currently resides!
written by unknown
New York Congressman Peter King calls Michael Jackson Pedophile
Joe Jackson responds "My son wasn't guilty cuz we paid those kids' families off."
written by unknown
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin Joins Cast of Saturday Night Live
Sarah to play Tina Fey in sketches.
written by unknown
Family receives 1.6 million requests for tickets to Michael Jackson Memorial Service
Jacksons rent Hollywood bowl and will run "The MJ Memorial Funeral Concert" four months before going on the road.
written by unknown
Pabst Saving Customers Money
Pabst to put out cheaper Red Ribbon beer to try to help customers during the present bad economic times.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Life Insurance Salesman/Stephen King Deal
40-year life insurance salesman retires in luxury after selling his huge list of horrible ways in which people can suddenly die to Stephen King.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Truth Revealed About Pardoned Turkeys
Former President Bush now admits that all eight turkeys pardoned at White House at Thanksgiving somehow made it to his Crawford, Texas Christmas dinner.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Chinese Leaders Worry
Chinese leaders worry after seeing fewer and fewer people attending public executions in sports stadiums.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Gore Flipping Out
Al Gore Flipping Out: "Circus bears are learning everything about us and relaying it on to those in the wilds. Better prepare, buddy, they're coming."
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
New Brown Offensive
Brown's lasagne offensive: PM turns to wife's pasta dish to win back support in Cabinet. Tarts also being considered for dessert.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Kelly Hoppen Ripped Off
Interior designer Kelly Hoppen is the latest celebrity to be targeted by a violent Rolex mugger who also managed to rip off designer panties.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Test Flight, Only Males Show Up
Now Ryanair wants passengers to STAND UP during flights. "We will be able to get twice as many aboard and will arrange for you to stand really close to best looking ladies.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
John Terry Not For Sale
New Chelsea manager Carlo Ancelotti has insisted captain John Terry is not for sale at any price. However, will at least listen to any really huge offers out of common courtesy.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Vadican Radio Selling Ads
Vatican Radio - the voice of the Roman Catholic Church - is starting to air advertisements for the first time in the station's nearly 80-year history, mostly selling indulgences.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Obama Meeting Medvedev
US President Obama is holding talks in Moscow with his Russian counterpart, Dmitry Medvedev, focusing on further reducing nuclear stockpiles. Getting limited war started to jump start factories.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Military Officer Advises Obama On Gay Policy
Nation's top military officer said Sunday he has advised President Barack Obama to move "in a skippy way" in changing the "don't ask, don't tell" policy that bans gays from serving openly in military.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
You're Fired!
A Scottish nurse broke the world record for running almost 100m whilst on fire. He said; "I now know what it feels like when Alan Sugar says you're fired!" His ex-wife said he was just an old flame.
written by IN SEINE, 06 July 2009
Miami Mayor To End Parties
Miami Police: 12 wounded in shooting at Miami party. Mayor promising to do away with home gun parties altogether.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Chester Zoo Closes
More than 5,000 visitors were asked to leave Chester Zoo, near Liverpool, shortly after the break-out as keepers rounded up the chimps. Visitors say that Chester Zoo was filled with flung monkey poo.
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Al-Goofy Takes Credit
Walt Disney World monorail crash Saturday night blamed on the latest terrorist group, al-Goofy who want their own "Land".
written by Bureau, 06 July 2009
Lactose-intolerant man opens fire on dairy farm
Tired of soy and rice beverages, Wisconsin man lays waste to area dairy farm's equipment, spilling at least 300,000 gallons of milk.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 July 2009
Rubber omlette industry in crisis
The airline industry downturn has left ROI, the Rubber Omlette producer with egg on it's face as it scrambles to cut production. Director Igg Flan announced the closure of several plants today.
written by jeremy griffiths, 06 July 2009
Michael Jackson Funeral Procession
Funeral director is wondering if it's wise to have Al Cowlings driving the hearse.
written by Wire Piddle, 06 July 2009
Minnesota Facts
Jessie Ventura was a Minnesota state governor and Al Franken is now a US Senator from Minnesota. The state bird of Minnesota is the Loon.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 July 2009
Reporter Released from Iran
The Iranian government releases journalist Iason Athanasiadis-Fowden, after the Greek government signals that 300 Spartans were being airlifted to Persia by the British Royal Air Force.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 July 2009
