Snakes Running Amuck In Florida
In Florida this morning, a man in his small Indian car were both swallowed by a boa constrictor.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Prince Charles To Leave Ears As They Are
Prince Charles asks the Queen' permission to have cosmetic surgery done to his ears. Her Majesty replies that he "already sounds like the village idiot, now don't start looking like one."
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
UFO's Over New Mexico
Bright light in the sky over New Mexico last night by a hundred thousand people dismissed by US Government as nothing more than a few show-offs from another world.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Interior Department Release Wolves Into The Wilds
Protection restored to gray wolves in all 50 states, after grandma overpopulation leading to too many auto mishaps.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
They'd Appreciate The Country More
Congressman once again wants all U.S. flags to be made in America, by illegal Mexican immigrants. That and last year's request only things he's sponsored in four years.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Airlines Selling Ad Space
Major airlines to help income by using advertising on the wings. "Bill Hyram's Buffalo Wings In Chicago, When We Land in Ohare That's Where You Go!"
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Bear Wallow Gets New Sewer Inspector
Sewer Inspector named by Mayor of Bear Hollow, Kentucky. "Jim Bob Flener will be my new Corncob Czar", says Mayor.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
US Racial Equality Improves
President Obama being black has help in job equality. Same number of whites as blacks homeless and jobless.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
London Classical Fest
Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" to be played in London Classical
Fest by ukuleles and banjos should be big improvement over last years Spoons and washboards.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
New Foolproof Lie Detector
New foolproof lie detector ready for another trial that measures brain activity. Was thought to be ready during Bush Presidency but failed while used on Bush who had volunteered.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Breast Enlargement Operation
An Ohio teen has pleaded innocent to stealing his mum's credit card to pay for a friend's breast enlargement Op. Police say it may have turned into a bigger bust if they hadn't have acted quickly."
written by IN SEINE, 20 July 2009
Gruesome Discovery at Weston-Super-Mare
Somerset police made the gruesome discovery yesterday when found a dead body inside an ice cream van. He was lying there, covered in whipped cream, strawberry sauce and sprinkles. It was a Sundae.
written by IN SEINE, 20 July 2009
Space Station Toilet Breaks down
According to NASA, the main toilet on the International Space Station has broken down with 13 astronauts on board! Though not all on board the toilet at once. A spokesman was heard to say: "SHIT!"
written by IN SEINE, 20 July 2009
Hilary Duff Is Emmy Nominee
The Emmy Blabla Crew has cleared up the Best Guest Actress In A Drama list adding Hilary Duff's name to the nominees' list.
written by unknown
Lost Missile Located
Russia's KGB helps locate lost nuclear missile for the CIA after becoming afraid it might fall into Chechnyan hands. "I'm glad they keep up with these", says senior US military officer.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Artificial Heart Doing Well
Cardiovascular Specialists in Louisville, KY say that the artificial heart inserted last Wednesday still doing fine. However patient died over the weekend.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
All Of A Sudan
Study shows that most US high school students think that the Sudan is a type of car they drive in Africa
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Lord Mangelson Introduces 9 Bob Note
That's queer, say commentators.
written by Blazing Saddle, 20 July 2009
Monk Is The Happiest Man!
Matthieu Ricard, 60, a French academic-turned-Buddhist monk, has been named the "Happiest Man On Earth". Ricard barely edged out a Mormon traditionalist with three peckers.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Obama's New Exercise Program
President Obama announces America's version of Pamplona, Spain's "Running Of The Bulls" later this year, calling it "The Running Of The Banks".
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Moon Landing A Fake?
On 40th Anniversary, 6% still think the moon landing faked, unless it was a UFO!
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Knife Sales Plummet!
Knife sales plummet as diners choose to eat with just a fork.
Baby walks for the first time. Former President Bush on ranch whacking weeds. Not much news this morning.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Breatfeeding Benefits Exaggerated!
Breastfeeding benefits 'have been exaggerated by NHS', claims expert. "You can barely see the breast and you have to look from the right angle", he told newspaper reporters.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
89-Year-Old Rape Victim Outsmarts Attacker
A rapist who posed as a policeman to get into his 89-year-old victim's home was snared because she copied a scene from CSI and scratched his face for DNA. Rapist's lawyer sues CSI.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
It's Those Jehovah Witnesses!
Jilted boyfriend shot dead Jehovah's Witness father who barred him from seeing his daughter.
Jehovah Witness baby cries all during movie at theater.
Jehovah Witness burps at next table at cafe.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Health Sec: Don't Panic!
Don't panic over swine flu, says Health Secretary (but he refuses to say whether he'd take his children to a football match). "They much prefer watching football on the TV, being home schooled."
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
The Pussycat Dolls Are Thrilled
... Because Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato will be honoring them by performing a cover of their hit single "When I Grow Up".
written by unknown
Taxed Marijuana Could Save Calif. Budget
Calif. Gov. Schwarzenegger agrees that legalizing marijuana would raise income in taxes. "It's worth considering", he stated. "I've already heard from six munchy factories who would relocate here."
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
CCTV Not Being Used Properly
The police are failing to use CCTV to catch as many criminals as they could, a senior officer has told the BBC. "We keep finding them hidden in women's bathrooms."
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Terror Threat Lowered!
The UK terror threat level has been lowered from "substantial pants shitting" to "pants shitting", the Home Office has said.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Apollo 11 Memories
40 years since Apollo 11 carrying astronauts Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin & Michael Collins, landed on the Moon. What are your memories of the event? Disappointment, say lovers of Stilton green cheese.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Make A Good Play
A Devon man has married an old flame after a love letter he wrote 10 years ago which went astray was discovered behind a fireplace by workmen in Spain. "The flame in Spain sends two aboard a plane."
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Tuvalu Goes Green
The tiny Pacific island state of Tuvalu has said it wants all its energy to come from renewable sources by 2020. Final vote after everyone counted: 91-49.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Clinton, Indians Negotiate
Secretary of State Clinton meets top Indian leaders. Will trade South Dakota for 50 casinos with income to help pay off government debt.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Iran Referendum Urged
Khatami urges Iran referendum on poll. Wait a minute, here's an update: Khatami urges Iran referendum on poll, from the grave!
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Afghanistan Judicial System Overhaul
A US military review recommends an overhaul of the entire Afghan prison and judicial systems, the NY Times reports. Public beatings and decapitations to be replaced by wrist slaps, community service.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Mexican Army Raid Successful!
Surprise raid by Mexican army catches drug dealers on the pot. Opens big hole in crack cocaine deliveries.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Special Room Working
Doctors say huge room built onto Wall Street Stock Exchange that is filled with laughing gas so workers can run over at any time, has already prevented 35 heart attacks.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Blue-Ribbon Panel Selected
President Obama selects blue-ribbon panel to study nation's economic woes, drink a few cheap beers from Pabst.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Oil Back Up
Oil rises to near $65 on strong corporate results, updates on readings of goat entrails.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Clinton Satisfied With Foreign Affairs
Clinton 'satisfied' with role in foreign affairs. "Better than the affairs that were going on at the White House ten years ago!"
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Spacewalk #2
"Spacewalk No. 2" scheduled for moon anniversary, featuring original Apollo crew backed by Michael Jackson songs.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Budget Update Delayed
White House putting off release of budget update until heavy equipment can be brought in to carry it's 100,000 paged plan to the Senate, House floors.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Iran's Leaders Take Charge
Iran super supreme leader warns opposition supreme leader to back down, as he had already selected the High President. Super-duper leader may be forced to take charge, unless King Super-duper appears.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Lawsuit In Florida
Lawsuit in Florida as dentist dropped stools down man's throat. I'm sorry, dentist drops tools down man's throat.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Obama Starting To Sweat
President Obama now beginning to sweat, finally dropping his coolness as fifth original Hawaiian birth certificate shows up.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
Apolla 11 Crew
The Apollo 11 crew: Moon is less interesting than Mars, but Venus is "Va Va Voom!"
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
US/India Make Deal
U.S., India expected to sign defense pact as US outsources it's defensive nuclear missiles to India's keeping.
written by Bureau, 20 July 2009
The Good The Bad & The Ugly
In a proposed remake of the film The Good The Bad & The Ugly it is proposed that Sean Connery is the good, the yorkshire ripper is the bad and there is no doubt that Gordon Brown is the UGLY.
written by SPECTRUM, 20 July 2009
Pope hits Journalist
The Pope who recently broke his wrist accidently wacked a television journalist with his cast knocking him to the ground but he was ok as he poped up I mean popped up a minute later.
written by SPECTRUM, 20 July 2009
Pakistan reveals why Taliban fighters are so ballsy
Al Nakhli, Karachi July 20. According to Pakistani military intelligence, Taliban's mullah-trainers castrate young recruits to "increase their ferocity and commitment to jihad".
written by Ghatotkacha, 20 July 2009
