First Double Hand Transplant In US
Recipient of first double hand transplant in the US says he can't wait to wipe his own ass and jerk off!
written by Nailer, 17 July 2009
Something to Do With Secret Ingredient In Owl Shit!
Miss America and Miss Universe say they have discovered a plan that will totally wipe out the nations deficit, balance budget & bring about world peace, plus it's an aphrodisiac. Bought it in Nigeria.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Obama Back On Time
Time Magazine puts Barack Obama on the front cover of their magazine for the 36th time. This time it reads, "Michael Jackson Dead! This Is Not Him"
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
First Gitmo Detainee Here
First Guantanamo Bay detainee has been brought to the United States. Eats his cell mate, Bernie Madoff, the first night.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Restaurants Supporting Rubenesque Look
Fast food restaurants join forces to promote the "Rubenesque" look for today's woman. That's Rubenesque! You know, big ass, little titties!
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Silver Lining?
Layoff.com reveals that it's first quarter earnings much higher than expected.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Animals May Be Taxed Too
Republicans tell Obama "Your water dog now owes the US government $10,000 for it's part in 13 Trillion Dollar debt.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Scam Goes Terribly Wrong
(AP)Rome-An unidentified man shot his wife to death and then killed himself. The couple thought they could collect huge insurance settlements from large policies they held. Police say the plot failed.
written by tlmedia, 17 July 2009
Free Viagra Offer
President Obama has now offered free Viagra in the new health care plan. "This should get us over the hump", states the President.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Biden Calls It Quits
Joe Biden, much grieved over the recent Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin divorce of late, resigns as Vice President.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
We're All Dead! (No Just Me)
Local Homeland Security officer has fatal heart attack after kids slip upon him behind him while it's his turn to watch, and smash paper bags.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Obama never mentions Osama
When George Bush was President he was forever talking about Osama Bin Laden.Have you noticed that Obama never mentions Osama and if he did would it be Oh Damn Ah.
written by SPECTRUM, 17 July 2009
Big Fight In Congress
Sixteen dead, over 75 injured as Democrats and Republicans continue to fight over who pays medical bills.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Amanda (I am always smiling) Knox
Amanda(I always smile even although I am on trial for Murder)Knox appeared in court again today SMILING. Tony Blair smiles all the time and he is responsible for the deaths of millions of people.
written by SPECTRUM, 17 July 2009
The Pope breaks wrist
The Pope has fallen and broken his wrist and god true to form has once again failed to turn pop up to prevent it.
written by SPECTRUM, 17 July 2009
Madoff Makes Announcemnt
Bernie Madoff astounded reporters at his prison cell in Georgia today when he announced that he had decided to become a woman. When asked the reason, Madoff answered, "Why do you think?"
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Rice Signs Contract
Condoleezza Rice signs contract to play a black woman on new FOX Network series to premiere in January.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Viagra Doing Swell Job
The Pfizer Company, makers of Viagra, announced today that all their pole numbers are up.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
VP Cheney Tries To Help
Former Vice President Cheney offers to sell America cheaper $45 per barrel of oil from his underground, under house reserves.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Pacifists Shaking Fists
Angry group of pacifists try to attack returning soldiers from Iraq, Afghanistan. Sing the old favorite Pete Seeger protest song, "Kill Them, Kill Them All!"
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Newest Obama Appointee
President Obama not only has an official taster with him on trips, he now has a full-time apologiser that accompanies Michelle's mother wherever she goes.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Nader Already Campaigning
Presidential candidate Ralph Nader gets early start on 2012 campaign by announcing his slogan, "Hey, It's Me Again!"
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Republicans Blame McCain
Many republicans admit that John McCain's choice of an Alaskan for Vice President polarized their party.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Michelle's Mother Flying That Plane
New York City Mayor Bloonberg outraged upon hearing that Obama's mother-in-law was test flying plane that passed over NYC a few months ago, even though Obama said there were two regular pilots aboard.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Crime figures to Increase During Pagan Holidays
UK crime figures are set to rise whenever there is a pagan holiday because many of the police will be out hugging trees, playing druids at Stonehenge or Halloween 'trick or treating'.
written by IN SEINE, 17 July 2009
Gore's New Plan
Al Gore gives up on the saving of the earth. "Let's face it, we're up shit creek here", stated Gore yesterday. "Let's set our sites on moving to Mars."
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
What's the point of that?
Yorkshire police have issued an e-fit of notorious highwayman, Dick Turpin - only 250 years too late! He has already been caught, executed and buried. Why don't they give the bloke a break?
written by IN SEINE, 17 July 2009
Blair Has Swine Flu
Blair has swine flu thats Cherie Blair. I wonder if that Swine Tony will get it.
written by SPECTRUM, 17 July 2009
The Winehouse Divorce
Amy Winehouse and husband divorce after revealing that they have been sleeping in separate wheelie bins for months.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Not quite a "has been" yet
Second person dies in construction accident building set for Madonna show. Fans remember when she used to "knock 'em dead" simply by being Madonna.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
McCain Addresses Today's Youth
Cable News reports that Senator John McCain has more than a million followers on Twitter. Apparently, every single one of McCain's tweets says, "Get off my lawn before I get the shotgun!"
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Give it up for... Ahmadinejad!
After highly divisive election, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad set to be sworn in as Iran's President. He's already been sworn at plenty.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
Much Dismay As Five Year Study Ends
Five year study ends, much to annoyance of scientists, who reveal why Dachshunds and corgis have short legs while fashion models have such nice long silky ones.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Schoolboy Arrested Trying To Become Suicide Bomber
Ex-public schoolboy jailed for 10 years after being found guilty of plot to be suicide bomber. Apparently nerd was after 72 virgins, say police.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Also, Fourteen Garbage Collectors.
A judge has blasted a waste of taxpayers' money after a couple who picked up items of rubbish from the garden of an abandoned house were thrown into a riot van for attempted rubbish burglary.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
No Business Like Gnome Business
A garden gnome giving the Nazi salute has landed a German artist in trouble with the authorities in Nuremberg, while another gnome giving the Manhattan salute condemned by NYC's Mayor Bloomberg.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Hazardous UK Waste Discovered
Brazilian police are investigating after 64 containers with more than 1,400 tons of hazardous UK waste were found in three of the country's ports, two in the sherry.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Monks Breaks Silence Vow
Trappist Monks at the Abbey At Gethsemane in Kentucky break their vow of silence after thoughtlessly eating sweet potatoes for dinner.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
All Adults Are Paedophiles
According to the government, if you haven't paid £1000 for a CRB check, the likelihood is that you are kiddy-fiddler. Incredibly even caretakers, children's authors and priests are under suspicion!
written by Ron Smith, 17 July 2009
Facebook Breaches Canadian Law
Popular social networking site Facebook is breaching Canadian law by holding on to users' personal information, drunken nude photos indefinitely, a report has concluded.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Senate Against Hate Laws Because Of Everyone Hating Them
Senate votes to expand federal hate crimes laws as most US citizens pretty well hate Senate & Congress for not keeping laws already in place.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Hillary Cinton Apparently Still Alive
Hillary Clinton condemns terrorists bombings. Also, "people doing bad things everywhere', as Obama, Democrats, pretty much ignores his Secretary of State.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Pope OK After Fall
Pope Benedict XVI fractures wrist, breaks his foul language vow, in a fall.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Squid That Ate San Diego
Jumbo squid invade San Diego shores, spook divers. Run off beach goers, life guards!
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Hollywood Saves NASA
NASA lost moon footage, but Hollywood restores it. Only changes, instead of Neil Armstrong, Tom Hanks makes first steps on the moon.
written by Bureau, 17 July 2009
Grumpy golfer
Scottish Golfer Sandy Lyle called fellow scot and
former good golfer Colin Montgomerie a cheat but after a few drinks in the pub he went further and called Mongomerie a fat grumpy bastard
written by SPECTRUM, 17 July 2009
Eat your vegetables!
President Obama has to acknowledge America's health care needs are just too vast and expensive for ANY system to work. Urges citizens to, "Please, just eat right and exercise. It's your only hope."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
Can't trust anybody these days
Man dressed as priest wounds 5 officers in New Jersey shootout. Birmingham, AL officer who kicked in church door, arrested priest and tazed congregation says, "See? You can never be too careful."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
Marketing 101
President Obama praised NAACP for progress, noted work still needs to be done. Maybe change in name could be first order of business - does anybody still say "colored people" besides the NAACP?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
"We've come a long way, baby!"
Michelle Obama visits plantation, slave quarters of great-great grandfather, reflects on family's journey from humiliation of slavery to pinnacle of success without benefit of hip-hop record.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
No rest for the weary
Several people, while attending funeral of Florida couple slain in robbery gone wrong, almost get robbed at cemetary.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
"If my friends could see me now!"
Man spends vacation in brig at sea after killing wife on Carnivale cruise ship. Complains, "Cruise ship jail no better than regular jail. I could have saved money killing her at home."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
NASA crashes Internet
After using specialty film restoration company to rework lunar landing footage, NASA releases story about "moonwalk videos"; Internet crashes as millions mistakenly assume story is Jackson-related.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
Going to great lengths
Californian Zac Sunderland, 17, sails 27,500 miles to become youngest ever to sail around world alone. Now faces 15+ years detention for skipping 13 months of classes.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
"Hiding things in plain sight"
Sen. Jeff Sessions (AL) draws laughter, refers to drug penalty compromise saying "we're gonna do that crack cocaine thing you and I talked about." Later seen taking vial from man in trenchcoat.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
Put Dubya on the Moon?
Online poll suggests 57% of Americans approve idea of returning to Moon despite poor economy; this is roughly double George W. Bush's approval ratings shortly before leaving office.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
All talk, no action
Man wearing shirt reading "Real Men Eat Beef" unable to prove he's ever actually slaughtered and butchered his own cow.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 17 July 2009
US Military to Phase-Out Ordnance
Prohibiting cigarette smoking by US Military Forces has been proposed to save health care costs. Other do-gooders want to phase out bombs, bullets and grenades to save additional medical costs.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 17 July 2009
