Staten Island Ferry crash injures 9
Several waterlogged survivors adrift in the Hudson River were picked up by a passing US Airways Airbus A320.
written by Wire Piddle, 01 July 2009
Turd Czar Created
President Obama creates the position of Turd Czar who will make sure a city's waste plant can control the amount of shit, a turd limit for each household, that passes through.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
The Perez Hilton vs. The Black Eyed Peas Saga Continues
Perez Hilton is returning the 500 Black Eyed Peas CD's the band gave him. He said that the "Please drop your lawsuit" note wrapped around a $1,000 bill did not work either.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
That Skirt-Chasin' Southern Governor Hits On Brobama's Mama-in-Law
President Obama said his mother-in-law told him that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford asked her out on a date. She told him absolutely not. And then added that she did not date white guys.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Hulk Hogan's Dainty Motion Picture Role
Hulk Hogan desperate for money because of his costly divorce has agreed to play the lead in the film, Richard Simmons - The Feminine Years.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Vladimir Putin Rules To Close Every Russia Casino
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has ruled that all of Russia's 500 plus casinos will be closed. Immediately about 9 billion playing chips go on sale on eBay.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Kirstie Alley To Portray Wynonna Judd
Producers have offered Kirstie Alley the lead role in the country music motion picture, My Name Is Wynonna Judd and I'm A Sanger. The only stipulation is that she has to gain 43 pounds.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Where Is Dick "The Lips" Cheney?
Political pundits are starting to worry about Dick Cheney's health because Dick "The Lips" Cheney has not made an anti-Obama remark in over four hours.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Jennifer Aniston To Appear In A Real Reality Show
Jennifer Aniston has just been signed to appear in The Bravo Channel's new reality show, "Hey How Come I Can't Get Me A Friggin' Boyfriend?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Miss Italy Severely Reprimanded
Miss Italy has been severely reprimanded for telling a reporter that she truly believes that the leaning tower of Pisa should be fixed because it is leaning like the dickens.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
You Could Win Up To $1,000,000
"Get out the vote" for 2010 already started. Government may hold special lottery by giving away ten free tickets to everyone who votes. Expect 50-100% increase in voters.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Hard To Stay On Your Feet
The world's markets continue to slide, as one guy on Wall Street stated, "It's a bear market and right now we're knee-deep in bear shit!"
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
President : Homosexuals Can Be Cured
President Obama stated today that he believes homosexuals can be cured. "So can heterosexuals, if they go to the right doctor. It's according to what is wrong with them."
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Tosser Murray faces Roddick in Wimbledon semi final
Prepare for a straight sets masterclass as Roddick wipes the floor with the snipy little Scottish git!
written by queen mudder, 01 July 2009
Science News - Other Drivers Statistically Not As Good As Me
Recent research has shown that when driving, I make the correct decision 100% of the time. Conversely, other drivers tend to make the incorrect decision 100% of the time so UP YOURS TWAT IN THE VAN!!
written by Ron Smith, 01 July 2009
Brown resigns!
Gordon Brown secretly stood down as Prime Minister last Thursday. The news was buried under Michael Jackson to avoid any further embarrassment for the government. Brown will return to teaching.
written by Ron Smith, 01 July 2009
The Evolution of Chimps
Scientists discover that chimpanzees can already make tools simply by copying a video of humans doing the same. Before you know it, they WILL be able to compose the entire works of Shakespeare.
written by IN SEINE, 01 July 2009
Oddly Shaped Fruit Back on Sale In Europe
The European commission have abolished the rules on selling oddly-shaped fruit. Now you can have a banana shaped like a penis and eat it too! Apparently, women are overjoyed.
written by IN SEINE, 01 July 2009
911 Call To Crawford, Texas
Crawford, Texas police rush to Bush residence after 911 call as ex-President George Bush had another Chinese finger trap incident. Laura finally burns it in barrel out back.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Body Of Idiot Found
Body of idiot in audience who asked President Obama if "he was still beating his mother-in-law" found today after apparently being tickled to death with a peacock feather.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Et Tu, Whamo?
The Whamo Company may go before a congressional bunch of yoyo's and slinkys asking for a bailout.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Gates Loses Uncle
Bill Gates told friends this morning that his favorite uncle, Pearly Gates, had passed away.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Economy, Not Ecology
A group of scientists have announced that the earth may be at it's "tipping" point. Hundreds of thousands of waiters, waitresses disagree.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Elton John To Do Tribute For Michael Jackson
Elton John to do tribute song to Michael Jackson in tune of "A Candle In The Wind", which he formerly wrote for Marilyn Monroe, Lady Di, Jade Goody, Dom Deluise.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Astronomer's Carrying On Important Projects
Astronomers now date Odysseus's homecoming to April 16, 1178 B.C. Next up: Trying to find the actual birth date of Larry King.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Newspaper Bailout?
Nations Newspapers may be seeking a big bailout next. Several owners said to have that "Stick a fork in our ass" look about them.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Right To Bare, Shoot Arms
Supreme Court rules 5-4 in favor of Individual Right to Gun Ownership, then the five take out their guns and fire them into the ceiling in celebration.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Not Best Of Times
Consumer confidence hits all-time low. "Nobody thinks anything will ever be any good for no time ever even into eternity!" reads the Daily Alcoholic!
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Aaron Carter Says He's Gay! Yeah and...?!?
In order to deny the fact that his new single "Let Go" is about Hilary Duff, his girlfriend seven years ago, Aaron Carter told People that he was gay. We don't see what's the new thing to know...
written by unknown
Paedophile Gene Identified
We know where you live, Gene..........
written by Blazing Saddle, 01 July 2009
The Good Old Boy South Carolina Governor Reimburses The State
Gov. Mark Sanford has reimbursed the state of South Carolina for his trip to Argentina to visit his mistress. He handed over to the state treasurer a check for $3,000 and two boxes of condoms.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
The Winner of The White House Swimsuit Competition
The "First Mama" Michelle Obama in order to poke fun at her "sleeveless critics" models a brand new swimsuit with sleeves.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
The Continuing Saga of Bernard "What Was I Thinking" Madoff
The city council of Queens, New York has voted unanimously to change the name of Bernard Madoff Avenue to Jailbird Street.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 July 2009
Janet Jackson To Pose Nude
Janet Jackson will pose completely nude for a photoshoot to be credited for Playboy in loving memory of her brother, Michael Jackson.
written by unknown
Michael Jackson's 50 concert dates....
to be replaced by seances with Uri Geller.
written by Wire Piddle, 01 July 2009
Have You Seen Al Franken's Wife?
She must have been a hooker for the blind.
written by tlmedia, 01 July 2009
Christopher Walken Would Like To....
do a reprise of his raccoon dance at Michael Jackson's memorial but no one has invited him yet.
written by Wire Piddle, 01 July 2009
UK - Thatcher 'Not Dead Again' Fears
Margaret Thatcher, who many in the UK consider as the most evil person in history after Max Clifford, were saddened to hear the news that she had survived surgery and had not even contracted MRSA.
written by Ron Smith, 01 July 2009
"It's For You!"
Landfills now filled with music day and night as people throw away old cellphones without taking out batteries.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Makeshift Houses Torn Down For Safety Reasons
The US government has homemade shakes built under city bridges torn down after seven family cars run into river after driving home drunk.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
At Least It Saves On Paper, Trees
More that 3,000 full time newspaper reporters, staff lose their jobs in the US according to news article on the Drudge, Yahoo Internet Sites.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Don't Even Have To Light Up
Greece has introduced a ban on smoking in hospitals, schools, vehicles and all public places. In fact, you will only be able to smoke in one super-sized room in Athens.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Ugly Fruit, Veggies Back
Curly cucumbers, crooked carrots and mottled mushrooms - odd-looking fruit and vegetables are making a comeback as 20-year-old EU rules are lifted. Will now rate taste, nutrition over appearance.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Veggies Avoid Some Cancers
Vegetarians are generally less likely than meat eaters to develop cancer but don't enjoy life much.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Earthworm Worth Protecting
Fans of the giant Palouse earthworm are once again seeking federal protection for the rare, sweet-smelling species that spits at predators, politicians.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Cutbacks Everywhere
States work to stave off government shutdowns. Internet may have to close down humor si......
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Worried About Mom
Tennessee boy allegedly steals from ambulance as mom treated. Ambulance takes mother to hospital on wheel rims.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Cheers, Farts Greet Franken
Minnesota Senator Al Franken takes his seat in the senate after applause and after other 99 sat on whoopie cushions.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Jackson An Insomniac
Report: Insomniac Jackson often begged for drug, seen out moon walking in the dark.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Citi Raises Rates, Fees
Citi raises rates on millions of credit cards, plus adds $250 to charge for every horse's head left at foot of your bed.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Jackson Will To Be Read
Jackson's will to be filed in court Wednesday. Apparently left everything to his chimpanzee, Bubbles.
written by Bureau, 01 July 2009
Could Jay Lenno Be Developing ADD?
Lately he can only count to 10! Very sad
written by tlmedia, 01 July 2009
Rumor Is...
Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas have broken up again; the excuse this time: JEALOUSY!
written by unknown
Record Temperatures See Rise In Record Temperature Headlines
Analysts expect record breaking headlines as temperatures soar to an all time high since the last time it was a little bit sunny.
written by Ron Smith, 01 July 2009
Paybacks are hell!
Unable to muster means to capture #1 slot from deceased spoofer Dark Prime, BuckwheatsButt "sinks to San Francisco Onion's level," attempts to teabag said spoofer from number 6 position for comments.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 01 July 2009
Tehran to be Renamed Honduras
Iranian citizens are being killed on the streets of Tehran. The USA, OAS, Arab Street, UN and others are silent. President Obama has suggested changing the name Tehran to Honduras to garner attention.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 01 July 2009
