Earthquake Rocks Three Mile Island
A 3.3 magnitude earthquake hit Three Mile Island in Pennsylvania. The town's tourism committee quickly called a meeting and voted unanimously to change the town's name to 3.3 Mile Island.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 December 2008
Bush Post-Presidential Plans
Questioned if he had any idea what sort of activity he might pursue after his administration leaves office, Bush thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah! I think I'll order a pizza."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 December 2008
NRA Member Spots Deer in Kevlar Vest
New Hampshire man was unable to take down the buck. News of the sighting has left NRA members clamoring for armor piercing bullets.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 December 2008
Life according to Ozzie Osbourne
Ozzie Osbourne claims that life is an 'F' in lie! Jonathon Ross, Gordon Ramsey, BillY Connoley and Bob Geldoff agree.
written by IN SEINE, 27 December 2008
Dubai Sex Slapper Back in UK.
Michelle McSlag, who was convicted of having sex on a Dubai beach is now back in the UK and will be autographing nude photos of herself along the seafront at Skidrow Sands over the Christmas holiday.
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
Concern shown over 'R's
Concern was shown over the education system when someone realised that out of the 3 R's, only one actually begins with an R.Schoolteachers are said to be embarrassed.
written by IN SEINE, 27 December 2008
Honeymoon Sex Tape Selling
Eighty-year-old newly married lesbians sell honeymoon sex tapes to thousands of bulimics around the world.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Superman Rescues Super Model
According to a report in The National Tattler, Superman has thrown over both Lois Lane and Lana Lang for a Super Model.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Evil Genius, "The Whatever" On The Loose
Evil genius with Alzheimers Disease, who calls himself "The Whatever", keeps blowing up same big hole in the ground and cackling.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Arafat Affair Revealed
According to the latest edition of the National Examiner, Yassir Arafat once had a two year affair with Gaza Gabor.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Demolition Expert Surprised
Loud shout at birthday party surprise when Demolition Expert comes home and turns on light, sends him into cardiac arrest.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
An Inconvenient Truth II
Al Gore in his next film, "An Inconvenient Truth, The Sequel",
says he has authentic photo's of Abominable Snow Women wearing bikinis.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Rambo Helps Seniors
Sylvester Stallone brings back Rambo V, who blows up the U.S./Mexican border fence to free seniors, headed by Barbara Walters in her first role, to purchase lower cost medications.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
First Wolf/ Man Hybrid
South Korean Scientist Lon Chin Nee announced that he has come up with the world's first hybrid wolf/man.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Kucinich To Head Lollipip Guild
Barack Obama has announced his latest appointment. Dennis Kucinich will be the next Secretary of the Lollipop Guild.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Nader Found
After the big snow melts, a badly shaken Ralph Nader finally discovered still out there on the campaign trail.
written by Bureau, 27 December 2008
Santa Strikes Back!
A man dressed as Santa Claus randomly opened fire from a sleigh at a Christmas party gathering near Los Angeles after he delivered gifts and found no mince pie or glass of sherry waiting for him.
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
Bishop rebukes Capitalism
The Bishop of Manchester has attacked the UK government for scandalously encouraging people to go into debt but praised the collapse of the God of Consumerism as people chopped up their credit cards.
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
Gordon Brown to ban farting
In a curious move, UK leader Gordon Brown has announced plans to legislate a ban on farting in public spaces. He was moved to do this after a voter let rip at a polling booth attended by Mr Brown.
written by whatinthe world, 27 December 2008
Tibet dissidents give China aggro'
Chinese police in Tibet have arrested hundreds at Lhasa markets for selling CD and MP3 format copies of anti-Chinese reactionary songs downloaded from the internet such as "China Sucks Big-Time"
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
Mrs. Darwin's Cookbook
A Victorian era cookbook belonging to Evolutionist Charles Darwin's wife is to be published with more than 40 dishes such as braised cormorant, spiced frog in port, hedgehog pate and fillet of badger.
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
Ministry of the Bloody Obvious strikes again
The death of a Royal Marine killed by enemy fire in Afghanistan was lamented by the Defence Ministry, who then shrugged their shoulders and stated shit happens if you spend Xmas in an active war zone.
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
Pope Benny calls for Peace
Pope Benny Mk16 aka Joseph Ratflinger, made his Urbi et Orbi speech to the world calling for an end to global strife and conflicts, most of which throughout history were caused by the Catholic church.
written by Rusty, 27 December 2008
CORRECTION: Ann Coulter
Typographical error: Published article stating Ann Coulter is a "bitch" was supposed to read she is "butch." We sincerely regret the error.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 December 2008
Spoof writers expected to make up for lack of Obama scandals
With integrity finally arriving in the White House for first time in 28 years, boneheads expected to publish sufficient articles concerning imaginary wrongdoing to compensate.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 December 2008
Santa recuperating after triple bypass
Ignoring repeated warnings to watch his diet, the jolly old elf loaded up on milk and cookies once again and suffered a massive coronary near the end of his deliveries. He's in stable condition.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 December 2008
