Hurricanes Getting Pretty Strong Due to Global Warming

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 3 August 2005

image for Hurricanes Getting Pretty Strong Due to Global Warming
A global warming-fuelled hurricane over Lake Michigan

BOSTON (ARF) -- Global warming is changing hurricanes into ferocious weapons of mass destruction according to new research.

Scientists called the findings "surprising, shocking, disgusting, disturbing, horrifying and alarming" because they suggest global warming is pumping up colossal megastorms now rather than in some distant future after the extinction of all life on Earth.

While, the research doesn't suggest global warming is generating more hurricanes and typhoons, it finds that their duration and intensity have increased by 500,000% since the 1970s.

The analysis by MIT climatologist Mark Mandrip shows for the first time that major storms in the Atlantic, the Pacific, the Indian Ocean, the Caribbean, many large lakes and pretty well any place where there's a big pool of water are worsening and spinning out of control.

These trends are fuelled by the rapidly climbing temperatures of the ocean surfaces and also increases in global average atmospheric temperatures. The heating is believed to be caused by worsening "greenhouse effects" in the atmosphere, due to increasing carbon dioxide emissions from new coal-fired generating stations particularly in the US.

Mandrip reached his conclusions by analyzing data collected from actual storms rather than using computer models to predict storm behavior.

Before this study, everyone believed global warming's contribution to causing powerful hurricanes was too insignificant and not worth measuring much. Other forecasts by academic pinheads or stooges of the energy industry don't have climate change having much of an impact on tropical storms until 2150 or later.

But a few daring researchers like Mandrip are using new methods to analyze storms going back as far as 1651 BC. Details of Mandrip's study appeared on Monday in the online version of the journal Unnatural Disasters.

His theories and models indicate that global warming should and is generating unprecedented storm intensity, because boiling temperatures in surface water is now steaming up the oceans. Especially in the Atlantic and Caribbean basins, pools of superheated bubbling seawater now provide energy for storms as they blossom in the open seas.

He found the amount of energy released in these storms in both the North Atlantic and the North Pacific oceans has increased to the equivalent of the explosion of 1,000,000,000 hydrogen bombs especially since the mid-1970s.

"The total energy dissipated by hurricanes is now utterly correlated with the climbing tropical sea temperatures," he said. "The poor fish and oysters and other sea creatures are being boiled alive. These storms are flinging oil tankers sailing in the Atlantic over to the Pacific Ocean, and vice versa. The large upswing in the past decade is unprecedented and reflects the effects of global warming."

Since the 1970s, hurricanes have caused far more property damage and casualties, which insurers say totals $125,000,000,000,000. This year marked the first time on record that the Atlantic spawned forty hurricanes as early as July, including the earliest category 6 storm, the most powerful, on record.

In the past ten years, the Gulf Coast of the US, Florida, and the Caribbean basin have been lashed by the most vicious and deadly hurricanes ever. Forecasters now expect the trend to continue for another 200,000 years or longer.

"The damage and casualties produced by more intense storms and other effects of global warming will increase to cataclysmic proportions," Mandrip warned. "We're all going to go extinct unless we shift to solar energy and wind power and conserve all the energy we can. If we don't, I'm going to get the hell out of here."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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