President Bush Tells G8: "I'm Wrecking the American Economy Faster Than Kyoto Would"

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Wednesday, 6 July 2005

GLENEAGLES, Scotland-(Reuters)-United States President George W. Bush continued to isolate his country by rejecting the Kyoto Treaty on global warming at the G8 meeting in Gleneagles, Scotland. In a startling and confusing admission, he boasted that he was "wrecking the American economy far faster than it ever would."

"I've rejected the Kyoto Protocol which everyone else in the G8 has accepted since I think it is bad for the U.S. economy," Bush stated. He then added the bizarre comment, "But what everyone doesn't understand, is that I'm bad for the American economy, too. In fact, I'm a lot worse for the economy, and there's no cure for that."

As G8 delegates scratched their heads trying to understand the U.S. Chief Executive, he went on, "I mean…what do I mean? I guess I mean, under my watch in the White House, we've lost millions of jobs. I mean, we've outsourced those great American manufacturing jobs to China and India. American kids and older workers are now flipping burgers and driving taxi cabs instead of writing software or designing new products. American corporations are still downsizing as they outsource and destroy the pensions of their workers. My point is…"

Bush then dropped his notes and spent a minute trying to sort them, then continuing, "Global warming is real and inaction by my administration and the huge U.S. energy consumption and CO2 emissions are leading to the destruction of American agriculture and forestry. Droughts. Wildfires. Deserts are forming in Arizona and other places. Did I really say that? We are losing our glaciers and our drinking water. Tropical diseases are spreading as species die off. These terrible developments mean there are great opportunities to buy Republican votes with federal disaster relief."

Delegates still didn't know what his point was.

"We in the U.S. under this Republican administration have also found that piling up debt and living off the rest of the world's loans is a lot easier than actually making things anymore," he continued. "Hence the ridiculous real estate bubble which is propping up our economy, along with all that useless military spending to grab Iraqi and Central Asian oil in those phony wars against terrorism." Bush then dropped his cue cards again.

"So, my administration has this new energy policy to give billions of dollars away to American corporations in subsidies to create new technologies to supposedly combat global warming. But all this money is really to let those corporate pigs feed at the trough. All those dollars do is subsidize the building of dangerous new nuclear plants, and the useless attempt to build clean coal stations, and subsidize new drilling and pipelines for oil and natural gas. I guess it's a big waste of money too, but that's the Republican way."

"I know we should be reducing our energy use, and reducing our pollution, and increasing our energy efficiency, with better gas mileage cars, and more efficient refrigerators and air conditioners, and building more renewable, green energy projects, but that stuff isn't much fun, really," he rambled on. "I know that the Kyoto Protocol is revitalizing the economies of those countries that have adopted it. But we can't do that here because Exxon Mobil told me not to do that. So I don't know what my point is anyway. Can someone help me out here?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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