Truth Revealed: Scientists Say 'It Ain't So!'

Funny story written by TomFoolery

Wednesday, 3 August 2005

image for Truth Revealed: Scientists Say 'It Ain't So!'
The Proof is in This Pudding

As the saying goes, the sayings go. Culminating centuries of exhaustive, painstaking research, multidisciplinary researchers have taken on some of the toughest adages in historical culture and proven them WRONG!! While much of the work is still being done, scientists at the Mother Goose and Grimm Institute For What It's Worth Foundation felt it imperative that the world be told so the myths, rumors, innuendoes and lies will be perpetuated no more.

Below are ten of the most used rules of thumb that have been found to be false:

10. A STITCH IN TIME SAVES NINE: Using thread of varying thickness, needles of a wide variety of sizes and fabrics of all types, irrefutable scientific proof now shows that in any given instance, a stitch, no matter when it's sewn, can save no more than seven. (Some homemakers attribute this finding to the decline over time in product quality due to relaxed standards.)

9. ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER: Scientists are still scratching their heads over this one. Ten different investigators set out from different points within the continental United States with a set pattern of turns to evaluate, every one of them determined to be good. But, after an average of five turns, all ten of the truth seekers wound up lost! So, no matter how many good turns you make, one more probably isn't going to help.

8. BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER: To sum this one up, the truth ain't pretty. Scientists looked through both police mug shots and glamour magazines at more faces than anyone would ever do even on a bet. They unanimously concluded that beauty is not all it's cracked up to be, but ugly is ugly no matter who's looking at it. Makes one wonder who suffers more from a broken mirror, the one who looked into it, or everybody else.

7. LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP: This one came as no surprise to even the most naïve, unassuming truth sleuth. After scouring the countryside and identifying at least one "Lover's Leap" in each of the fifty states, scientists checked out each and every one. They found unequivocally that if a potential leaper looked first, 99 percent of the time he or she decided not to jump altogether, while the other one percent is still mulling it over.

6. A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH: How this one has survived as long as it has is anybody's guess. Have you ever tried to hold a live bird in your hand, let alone catch one or expect it to light on hour hand? Well, don't waste your time or risk your own personal safety. Leave the two in the bush alone and let a hunter take care of them for you. Scientists were quick to abandon their analysis of this one, saying it was "strictly for the birds!"

5. DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Says who? Researchers ventured to chicken coops from Maine to Minnesota and gathered eggs from pigeons all the way up to ostriches. But, they did do one thing that made a lot of sense. They took a big enough basket in every instance, with adequate insulation and shockproof. Not a single egg was broken, even after purposely dropping the most innocuous-looking container. After this evolution, it didn't take rocket science to figure out why the truth technicians cried "FOWL!"

4. A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS: It's hard to believe even blondes would buy into this one. But, then again, it's like alcohol and gasoline, blondes and stoves don't mix. Anyway, culinary connoisseurs concocted everything from bouillabaisse to old socks in pots, ewers and kettles of every size imaginable. Heat levels ranged from very low to extremely high. Turns out, no matter whether they were watched or not, every single one of them eventually boiled, though the pot with old socks was terminated at mid-point because the stench was just too much. Analysts are still wondering who cooked this one up.

3. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR: You can thank researchers for sacrificing theirs and saving you money on this one. With eBay as their arena of choice to conduct this trial, savvy seekers opened their wallets and threw more than caution to the wind. Numerous random purchases were made from around the world from what were purported to be reliable merchants. In nearly every occasion, scientists ponied up the dough, but they're still waiting, some as long as two years, to receive their merchandise. This one has prompted further in-depth analysis of the old saying ALL THINGS COME TO HE WHO WAITS. Jury's still out on that one, too. So, you're better off to Caveat Emptor and just go to the store.

2. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: Don't learn this one the hard way. The best example of how wrong this one is comes to us from the airline industry. Veracity verifiers booked coach, business and first class seats on domestic and international flights on both US and foreign carriers. Not a single passenger who showed up as few as five minutes after the last boarding call reached his or her destination. So, if you're a Johnny-come-lately, you'll probably end up on a bus.

1. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE: Nothing could be further from the truth. Fact-finders found this one easy to debunk. With captive subjects galore at maximum to minimum security prisons from coast to coast, this exercise required hardly any effort at all. It didn't take much to convince even the most hardened criminals to come clean and admit their crimes. But that did little to sway parole boards that flatly refused to release them. So, the truth won't pull any strings for you…no lie!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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